Failure. It torments us. It ravages our sense of certainty. The very idea of failing prevents most people from putting themselves out there. It can diminish our courage and send us into deep, dark places.
The fear of failure holds us back from taking risks in love, friendships, career and life. Sometimes the very idea of setting a lofty goal can feel so overwhelming that we will avoid even the act of setting goals. We won’t have to be disappointed with ourselves when we don’t follow through, or worse yet, when we are unable to actualize our goals.
When you fail, because you will, you are not alone. Everyone has failed and we will all continue to fail. Rejection isn’t a bad thing. It is what you do with the rejection that determines who you become. It is how you show up for yourself after your failure that decides your future.
I am a risk taker. I take a lot of calculated risks, in all areas of my life. I also take risks that put me in vulnerable places where it is easy for me to be hurt and disappointed. My capacity to take risks has grown over the years, with life experience. I have taught myself to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I have taught myself to get comfortable with the feeling of being uncertain, the feeling that I am standing on a cliff and about to fall. The sensation of being so unbelievably scared. I taught myself to lean into that feeling instead relying on the security of being comfortable.
What makes us vulnerable is being in our fear. Choosing to be courageous is part of letting go and allowing any outcome to present itself. Being vulnerable doesn’t save us from failure, it saves of from thinking our failure means we were wrong and or that we are unable to move forward. Failing is only truly a failure if you are unable to learn from it. Healthy failure is the ability to pick ourselves up after falling down; it is choosing to find courage again. To try, over and over again. That’s how we find success in our failure.
Any attempt to control outcomes so we don’t have to experience failure will create more struggle and rigidity in our lives. Trust me. Thinking I could control outcomes has left me disconnected from a sense of being whole and in a place where I feel broken. In these moments I have placed my sense of self worth in an idea; I have believed that if I don’t get what I want, I am wrong or I have failed. This line of thinking hardens me and my ability to be creative; it prevents me from seeing the positive and pulls me into only negative thoughts. So I allow myself to trust and remind myself that any outcome is here for my highest learning, I get to choose what I do with my perceived failures.
Ask yourself, what is the worst thing that will happen if you fail? A lot of the time we are worried about what others think. But why? Why do we care so damn much about what someone else thinks? I think it is because of our sense of wanting to belong is so strong. Wanting to belong can destroy our ability to live and love for ourselves. I used to choose the men I dated based on how they would fit into my social group and I put value on whether I thought my friends would like them. I looked for men with careers that made them seem like a ‘catch’. Now I choose relationships from my heart, I choose people who I am called towards. I want to be around people that I feel connected to, that bring more of the beautiful things I am creating into my life. They are not filling a void; they are bringing in more beauty.
The practice of allowing myself to make choices that serve me, to fail at my own failures and to pick myself up has built my capacity to tolerate failure. It still hurts, I still cry. I still get upset, but I don’t simmer in those feelings. I eventually get up, dust off and say, “OK, here I go again”. It means I live a life that is ever-evolving. It is not the same year after year, and I am not stuck needing to keep things the same. I am inspired to grow and evolve, and the best way I have learned to evolve and grow has been though my failures.
What have your failures taught you?
with love
Noelle
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