I was a seasoned gossiper. I grew up being shown that in order to engage in the world, I was required to talk about others. From family to friends to political representatives to strangers. I learned to judge. To look at everyone else and consider how they may be wrong. Ugg. I was entitled and righteous in my judgments. I felt like I needed to make myself appear better than others to be liked, and in order to do so I generously offered examples of all the ways in which others were flawed.
I believe gossip became a way of self defense for me. For years, I watched people talk about me in ways that were not true, from my family to my immediate & distant social groups. I struggled with their misrepresentation of my true nature. In order to combat the inner battle built of my knowing myself and them talking freely about “Noelle” but knowing nothing about her, I joined in. I decided my best defense was to develop my own ability fight that way, to judge and gossip.
Sometimes the friends that I was sharing my judgments with would buy into my stories, but mostly what I felt was a blankness from them. They did not have the same emotions attached to what I was saying, and therefore couldn’t relate, which would mean I would try harder to use my words to strengthen my case. More often than not, this would send me on a downward spiral of verbal diarrhea that left me and my captured audience feeling depleted.
A few years ago I started a 2-fold change:
1) Gossip detox, watching myself not say those things I thought I SHOULD share in order to strengthen my inner lack of self worth. What I witnessed was a lightning of my experience in myself. I felt less depleted after my conversations and more at peace within myself. I may not have been able to defend myself or beliefs but I felt calmer and more grounded. I was curious enough to continue observing my own reactions to others and myself when I stepped into gossip.
2) Energy goes into the lower frequencies that those conversations bring, so I chose a path of moving more cleanly in the world, to seek out people who inspire me to do and be and express my best self instead of ones who want to call out the bitchy high school girl in me:) If I want to create a life of feeling genuinely well inside. I need to allow for higher frequencies of conversation to move through me, meaning I choose to have conversations that feel abundant and exciting. That stimulate and inspire me. Which is where I spend most of my life today. In what inspires me. With people I am inspired by (not that I put on a pedestal), people who I enjoy being around. Cleaning out my company so that I stopped filling those places within me that feel less then with people who feed on that part of me.
What I noticed is that there is a difference between speaking up for yourself versus gossiping. If I need to work through something in my life — an interaction with someone, or some way that I have felt wronged — I will chat in confidence with one person in order to gather some clarity. I ask for guidance and attempt not to diminish the other person involved. In that place, I can make sound choices that are well-guided from a peaceful place within. What I don’t do is talk about the same issue with 3-4 or more people in order to indulge in the story and try to make sure my story is told in multiple ways to multiple people.
I still fall off the gossip wagon and indulge sometimes. But when I do, I know I am doing it. I am selective about those with whom I share. I generally admit what I am doing and make sure I don”t overindulge. Most of the time, when I jump back into that well-worn pathway of gossip, I feel a sense of a hangover, that same feeling of waking up when I’ve had one too many drinks the night before. A haze in myself. A lack of inspiration. A darker side of myself which doesn’t fill my inner sense of well-being. Then I have to build my energy up, the same way you do after drinking too much. By carefully selecting healthy ideas, thoughts and foods to fill my body and mind.
Energy goes into the lower frequencies those conversations bring. If I want to create a life of feeling genuinely well inside. I need to allow for higher frequencies of conversation to move through me, meaning I choose to have conversations that feel abundant and exciting, ones that stimulate and inspire me. This is where I spend most of my life today. In what inspires me, with people I am inspired by (not that I put on a pedestal), people who I enjoy being around. Cleaning out my company so that I stopped filling those places within me that feel less than with people who feed on that part of me.
I feel much better because of it.
with love
Noelle