We will experience emotional pain countless times in our lives. You already have. I know I have, many times over. Unfortunately, most of us were not taught healthy ways to manage our pain when we were young, so we spend our lives struggling and fumbling through our pains.
In fact, I have been moving through some big pain very recently, and when I sent this article to my editor, who is also a dear friend, she told me that my my work is much more potent when I can speak from experience – which I had deliberately avoided for fear of being too raw. My pain has felt so immense that I was scared it would be too intense. So I have made edits so that I can be more truthful about my own pain.
I believe our disconnection with our own pain stems from the discomfort we feel when we witness someone else’s pain. Witnessing someone else’s pain means we have to witness our own. Since most of us aren’t taught how to manage our emotions in healthy, supportive ways, it can feel incredibly uncomfortable to allow ourselves to witness someone else’s. We just don’t have the tools.
The tools I have been offered are often unhelpful. Advice such as; just let it go, to not make such a big deal, to stop crying, or you are strong so move on. God forbid I get angry. When pain shows up as anger, it often makes those around us cower and turn away. I have felt absolutely humiliated by others when my anger has found it’s uninvited way out. I felt that the best action for my pain is to be quiet and hide the emotion. I got that message loud and clear, and I still do from some people in my life. People are more likely to tolerate us when we show ourselves as stoic and in control of our pain. It often feels like we are easier to love when we stay closed, I have felt that way.
Hiding pain is an easy feat, and tempting when those around us are uncomfortable with our heavy emotions. That discomfort is palpable. I have felt shame for feeling my pain. Bold responses from those around us can make us feel like our suffering is being shoved back at us. Meaning these responses make us feel bad about feeling bad. Not only can this happen to us, but we can do it to others.
For me it has been a practice of radical self acceptance. I have had to learn to express my emotions when they arise, because when I do I am able to move through them more effectively. I have learned to feel my pain, I was so skilled at not feeling it that I felt that I was strong for responding that way. I now know that my unexpressed pain causes me fatigue, resentment, a constant state of irritation, low libido, a tightness in my mouth and eyes and prevents me from having any real depth in my relationships. It can feel so intense that my desire is to not be with it; I often want to shove it aside and push it deep inside. It takes a radical move to be in it, because it often feels like it restricts my breath, suffocating me at times. I feel like I might implode if I allow myself to hold it.
I have recently had the idea of an ‘Anger Camp’, someplace where we are supported in our pain, allowed to express (boxing, screaming, writing etc), given space to feel and be held AND also have peaceful, mindful practices (yoga/meditation) to step into as supportive learning tools. lt would be a great place to express these (socially inappropriate) emotions. Such a camp would create an opportunity to be present as our emotions unravel, to sit in the depths of our pain, while being supported and guided.
I spent so many years holding back tears that I could no longer cry when something very difficult happened in my life. Even when I felt the desire to cry, I just couldn’t seem to access the tears. I am now allowing myself to move into that part of my pain body. I am allowing myself to feel. It feels raw and challenging, but I create space to sit in it, to be with it, to allow it.
Have you thought about the ways you repress your pain? How you hold yourself back? How you restrict yourself? Think about the way you do to that to others. If we are unable to be with ourselves in the most vulnerable ways, it is almost certain you are unable to be with others in the most intimate ways.
I encourage you to trust yourself, be with yourself and have faith in yourself so that you are able to process the emotions that feel really big. Your life will flourish, and you will grow and evolve in ways that will bring so much more brilliance and joy into your day to day life.
Your pain makes you more beautiful.
with love,
Noelle
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