This weeks Mindful Monday contains conversations around sexuality and has sexual content, if you are offended by sexual content you may want to avoid reading further.
(However, if you are intrigued by sexuality and the power it has on your life, in all the right ways – please continue.)
I am writing this for all of you who are feeling confused and disempowered by sexuality, whether you are a man who is uncomfortable with the shifts in awareness around sexuality, or a woman that feels disconnected from your own sexuality. It may be that you are open and interested in this conversation, but you feel like you don’t have a community that will support this dialogue. I am going to lay out some of the fundamental shifts that tapping into your sexuality, in a healthy way, can bring to your life.
I was lifeless in my life, for almost a decade. I equate it to being tuned out. I spent nearly a decade believing I didn’t have any sexual desire. I thought something was wrong with me; I went to doctors and other health care professionals looking for reasons why I had no interest in sex, for answers as to why I felt listless and as though I was dragging myself through life.
My curiosity about life, yoga and my desire to create the life I wanted moved me towards an inner awakening. I am going to do my best to describe the awakening that happened over a few years in a couple of sentences. Essentially, I was tired of feeling angry and blaming others for my reality. I was sick of being unsatisfied in my life. I was being pulled in two directions: believing I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life, and knowing that there was more out there. I was going to have to make some very difficult decisions and get really uncomfortable in order to access the life I wanted and that I knew was possible. Looking at my life and realizing that I would literally die a slow death if I remained in my unhappiness was enough to push me in another direction.
So I did it. I believed in my future, one that included being passionate about my life and finding a connection to my sensuality.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t respecting myself in my sexuality. Rather, I wanted to tap in to the shakti of my life. Shakti is the powerful feminine creative force that exists in all of us (men and women). ‘The word Shakti means “power”. Shakti, the innate power in reality, has five “faces”. It manifests as the power to be conscious, the power to feel ecstasy, the power of will or desire, the power to know, and the power to act.’
– Awakening Shakti by Sally Kempton
I wanted to feel turned on by life and turned on to living. I wanted to feel passionate and, most importantly, live a life that was saturated in feeling pleasures of all kinds. I wanted to feel the kind feelings that come up when you are with a new lover, one who is enchanted by you and touches you in all the right ways – one who turns you on. But I wanted to feel that all the time, and without needing a partner.
It happened. I imagined it, I moved myself, and most importantly I moved my mind in that direction. After some time, ‘it’ happened. I woke up. I spoke my truth. I began to truly trust myself. I was more honest and vulnerable then I had been in my whole life. All the sexual energy that had been so repressed within me came flowing to the surface. It had been dormant for so long, but now it was a strong pulse of life. I had so much sensuality flowing through me, people kept telling me I was glowing. It went on for well over a year, almost two years. I didn’t know what to do with all the energy. I did not have a partner, and I wasn’t about to just grab anyone to satisfy my energy. So I started to use it in healthy ways. I used it to create with; the beginnings of my Mindful Mondays started to summer in me. I began an extensive business course. I found I enjoyed the simple things in life. I could be in the present and wasn’t constantly trying to escape my reality. It gave me energy. It moved me through a difficult separation, and it enabled me to find energy when I was being pushed to my limits. It kept me from feeling small. It provided wisdom and guidance when I felt like I was alone and didn’t have friendships that would support me.
Sexuality is twofold, at least in this description. Tapping into our sexuality awakens us to life and it allows us to have deeply connected, rich and healthy sexual relationships.
When I am tuned into my sexuality/sensuality, my essence, I am connected to my pleasure, to my capacity to feel excited about life. I am creative and have energy for new pursuits: I feel nourished and fulfilled, enriched and alive. I have a sparkle in my eye and I don’t require anyone else to bring it to me. When I am disconnected from my sensual side, I am reactive, unhappy, judgemental and even bitter. Resentment can easily surface, and I take things personally. I feel like life is happening to me, instead of me being the creator of my life.
As a woman or man, when we have a healthy connection to our sexuality we are able to speak honestly about our desires, our fears and our curiosity. We become more vulnerable. We can deepen our relationship to our partners in the most intimate ways (ways in which most of our society does not know or understand). We become kinder, more honest versions of ourselves. We are patient and capable of having difficult conversations because we feel seen and heard.
Our inability to have a healthy connection to our sexuality is multifaceted. It comes from a society that has disturbing views and images of sexuality. Too many of us that have experienced sexual abuse as children or adults, or even just had too many crappy sexual experiences. Too many people have grown up feeling like it was a bad to feel good about pleasure. Even the topic of self pleasure in most households was/is absolutely taboo. So with that knowledge, how do you shift your awareness to your own sexuality?
I have a lot of thoughts on this topic, but it is not my intention to detail them here. If you are really interested in learning and developing a healthy connection to your sexuality, I have a number of resources I can recommend.
If you are interested in learning more about healthy sexuality or about the eastern philosophy of sexuality, or if you want to create a deeper connection with yourself, please check out Kim Anami. She is a holistic sex and relationship coach, and a vaginal weightlifter (what!? You’ll have to check her out to get more of an explanation on that one), She has a podcast (Orgasmic Enlightenment), a fantastic website, and a youtube page. You can also find her on social media.
Regena Thomashauer is an author, educator and founder of the School of Womanly Arts, Her book, Pussy: A Reclamation is a radical offering that pushes against our social conditioning about the female mind & body, offering wisdom that awakens inner power and educates about the history of the feminine.
My life has completely changed, for many reasons, but I believe primarily because I became honestly connected to my sensuality and sexuality. I have been letting go of old ideas of shame around sexuality and have begun to use it as a powerful force in my life. One that guides me in intellectual ways, a force that is laced with ancient wisdom. The power of freedom that comes from becoming comfortable with who we are. This has allowed me to choose what it is I want to do with this one precious life I have. I want to have as much fun, pleasure and enjoyment as I can possibly have.
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With love,
Noelle
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