Culturally we have become consumed with ‘me, myself and I’. We are always speaking about what we want, how we want it and what our free time should look like. We focus on who should be showing up for us and what our needs are, fixated on what we can get out of this life rather than what we can give to this life.
We talk about what we need all the time: “I need more space, I need quiet time, I need to be successful, I need recreation time”. Then we can start to tell ourselves the stories – I can’t give to someone else because I am just have too much on my plate. I am dealing with so much pain/sadness that I am unable to be responsible for my commitments. I can’t show up for myself so how can I show up for someone else? I need to heal before I can give of myself in a relationship, socially or at work – I think you get my point.
What’s the difference between needing and wanting? ‘Needing’ is recognizing the things you require to feel balanced in the world. ‘Wanting’ can be related to consumerism, or just a distracted behavior to keep you moving towards your own goals.
It seems to me that we have become a self-absorbed culture, focused on getting what we ‘deserve’. We act with the expectation that feeling good is our primary goal, and that need to feel good supersedes our ability to be of service. I think we are better off thinking about what we can share or give. When we are so focused on ourselves, especially over time, it can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress and depression.
In Micheal Stones’ book, Yoga For A World Out Of Balance, he says that if we only take action to feel good, the possibility of awakening remains limited. This is because it revolves around a ‘me’ that needs to feel good.
We have become so self-absorbed that showing up for others can be challenging. I am not suggesting that we don’t take care of ourselves, or that we don’t have dreams or goals for our futures. What I am suggesting is that we have become so consumed by our own needs to feel good that we have become focused mostly on ourselves. Even when we are not ‘taking care of ourselves’, we are focusing our attention on the things we think we should be doing, still operating from a place of ‘me, myself and I’. This eventually leads to burnout, and the only way to recover is to become completely absorbed by our own healing. Our goal is to ‘heal’ so that we can again focus our attention on the feeling good that revolves around ‘me’.
Our desire to be self-motivated gives us very little outward perspective. We decide who we want other people to be and how we want them to show up in the world.
There can be practical and important ways we place those ideals onto others. In a workplace it is important to having clear lines for codes of conduct and expectations of performance. But here I am referring to the part of us that wants others to behave the way we want them to, or respond to emotions in a manner that fits our idea of how one should behave. Commonly, when someone doesn’t respond to our needs the way we want, we can become disenchanted with them and make them into a villain. Assuming someone else is wrong gives more opportunity for the ‘me’ to be right and justified.
I try to live by the rule of ‘give more than you receive’. I strive to find ways to be generous with my time, money, support and energy. I am not saying I excel at this, but I can say that it is a practice, and because I am focusing less on myself, I feel a general sense of peace. The more self-involved I become, the more out of balance I feel, and find that in this state I slip easily into anxiety and stress.
When we choose to give, the only way we can do so without getting caught in the ‘me, myself and I’ is not just to give without any expectation of receiving. Give like nobody is watching and you will never receive praise for what you give. Give of yourself in ways that are subtle and don’t require anything in return. Give to bring a smile to someone else, not to get a standing ovation. When you give like this, it is from the heart. There is a richness in this kind of generosity and it comes in the form of releasing yourself from being so self-involved. You get to actually feel good, instead of just focusing on your wants in order to feel good.
with love
Noelle
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