When I learned to set boundaries, I began to change my world. I was able to release some of the dramas that were littering my life. Since then, I have had interesting conversations around the word ‘boundaries’ and found that some folks do not understand what it means. Some also do not know how to set boundaries. A few years ago, I had a friend who believed the word boundaries was offensive and hard. This was challenging because we were doing business together and a large portion of the problems we were experiencing was because of the weakness in our boundaries. People were not treating us how we’d hoped they would because we were not setting proper boundaries.
When we have weak boundaries people may walk all over us. We feel disconnected from ourselves and taken advantage of; we feel shame for making choices that don’t feel good. We might even isolate ourselves from others and avoid conflict because we are struggling to have clarity in our own beliefs.
There is phrase I’ve recently picked up from Brené Brown: “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind”. I find this summarizes the need for an honest relationship with ourselves. We can only set boundaries when we are clear with ourselves and when we know how we want to be treated as well as how we want to treat other people. This means we must learn to be honest with ourselves, something a lot of us are not very skilled at.
In my business – when I first started almost a decade ago – I had a weak sense of self. I had confidence in my business skills, but I the over-arching program playing in my mind was that I was not good enough. I was so worried about being liked and doing the ‘right’ thing that I was ravished by feelings of being an imposter. I had poor boundaries with myself (because I wanted to make everyone happy) and so others were constantly taking advantage of me. This was happening simply because I didn’t believe I was worthy of respect. I was so busy with a new baby and a business that I became addicted to the sensation of being busy and unconsciously used it is as excuse to avoid being clear with myself and others.
Once I identified that I had a poor relationship with myself and how that was constantly creating drama in my life, I began a radical transformation of connecting with what it was that I truly wanted. When I was able to identify that I was not having honest conversations because I was allowing the belief of ‘I am not good enough’ to run my life, my life started to radically change.
Boundaries are about deciding how you want to be treated and, in turn, how you want to treat other people. Ultimately, I believe if we are setting boundaries from a place that lacks self-awareness and gentleness we will eventually be met with some kind of struggle. With lack of honest conversation with ourselves we will blame others for experiences that happen around us – otherwise known as projecting our inner world onto others. When we are not showing respect for ourselves if we are constantly changing our plans/minds to please others instead of doing the things we actually want to do. Our friends will not hold up our boundaries if, in some capacity, they witness our lack of self-respect as we flail with our own boundaries.
Boundaries are about deciding how we want to feel and what we want. They show we respect ourselves enough to show up and speak our truths even when they are uncomfortable. But setting boundaries is unsettling work and it requires us to have authentic conversations with ourselves. It requires us to stop making excuses as to why we will tolerate certain things in order to feed our lack of self-worth. Where our boundaries should be becomes clear the more we are willing to show up in our own lives.
We meet all kinds of people in our lives and there are some people that it feels easy to be clear and honest with. With others, it can feel like we struggle to be heard. They may be so committed to pushing their own agenda they aren’t able to hear us. It is in those moments that we need the solid practice of having genuine conversations with ourselves and being able to set steady boundaries. This practice will push us to be firm.
Where are you struggling in your life? In what ways do you feel people are walking over you? What are you not being honest with yourself about? Are you willing to start listening to what it is you really feel and want?
It is important to decide how you want to feel. But simply knowing how you want to feel doesn’t necessarily help you set boundaries. To find that, you must decide if you’re ready to honour how you want to feel and take the actions – which requires hard work – required to get there? Do you feel you are worth it?
I think you are.
So much love
Noelle
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