Friendships are what fill us up. Our connection to other humans sustains our well-being. It’s knowing you have someone to lean on when you need it. It is that feeling that you are able to connect with someone else in the dark and the joyful times of life. We thrive on connection to others; it’s what actually keeps us alive. Without it we can become deeply lonely, cynical, thirsty for touch and really, really sad.
There are so many ways we can create connection in our lives. Through work, recreation, social gatherings, intimate relationships and family, we find those go-to, been-in-the-trenches-with-her soul sisters or brothers that we hold close in our hearts.
Sometimes, however, we can confuse our friendships. I have. Like many of us, I have found the courage to divulge deep, dark secrets, the kind that show who I am to my core, the kind that are so deeply vulnerable that if shared with the wrong people can be self destructive. I have mistakenly trusted people with my secrets and been treated so poorly that I have become completely disoriented in ALL of my relationships: if I trusted this person with those details about myself, and I thought it was a sacred, trusting relationship, and it clearly wasn’t, who else might I have misjudged? I believed, too, that the answer to my problem must be me.
Here is what I know now. I know that friendships are built. I know that friendships develop over time. I know that friends that are willing to see you for all that you are, in all your un-glory, in your hardest struggles, with your deepest secrets, the ones that will celebrate with you when you finally find success in something you have been working a lifetime to create, are limited to one, maybe two, and if you’re really lucky, three in a lifetime. I know that it takes time to find out if someone is going to stick around, but I am also so much more discerning early on in my relationships so that I can weave through some of the muddy communication and avoid wasting time on the wrong connections.
In Dr. Brené Browns research on belonging she discovered that true friendship and connection comes when it’s ‘not at the cost of your authenticity, freedom and power’. This is a fantastic measure to check in with. Do you have to make sacrifices to your authenticity, freedom or power in order to hold a relationship? If so it is absolutely worth evaluating that relationship.
Have you been so completely loved by someone that when you call them in your somber, snot running, tears streaming state, they said, “I’m coming, I’m here for you.” Not tried to talk you out of feeling what you are feeling, but are there hold your hand when your “sadness” is way too plain a word to explain how you feel?
It’s so easy to be friends with someone when they are happy, enjoying life, thriving in any endeavor. No problem. It’s when we are challenged that we know who our friends our. Truly.
What kind of friend are you? Are you able to be there for the very few people around you who you feel were cut from your same cloth? Are you able to work on those friendships and not turn away when you see something you don’t like? Are you able to go to that soul sister or brother in the biggest devastation of their lives and know that their story is theirs and not yours, that you can sit in their pain without being overcome? Can you take their hand, sit patiently and say, “I am here”?
What kind of friendships do you want more of? What is most important to you? Have you ever considered that before? You get to choose who you surround yourself with. You have permission to give more to those who are dear to your heart and spend far less time with those who drain you.
Dr. Brené Brown also states ‘learn to be present with people without having to sacrifice who you are’.
Be discerning with yourself and with whom you let into your inner sanctum. For me, once you are in my inner circle, I will honor and respect you. I protect those I love with a fierceness (including myself) that can be pretty intense. I will do anything for them. I will support and encourage them. I will let them BE as long as I receive the same in return. I will love with all my heart.
In what ways are you discerning?
with love
Noelle