The fear that comes with having our heart broken is what holds us back from living a full life. Our fears can stop us from building connections and taking risks. They can make us cold, cynical and self-protective. Pain can be a weapon when we find ourselves making sure we hurt others before they hurt us. Most of this is unconscious behaviour, which is likely why it is still happening.
Heartbreak comes from many places: from losing a loved one, from being disrespected by a friend, from having failed in a business endeavor or from losing a job. It can come when a romantic relationship ends and you feel deeply wounded and unable to trust yourself. Heartbreak can come from things that are out of our control; it can also come from trauma that we have endured but have not yet found a way to heal.
Over the past decade I have experienced all the examples I listed above. One heartbreak occurred when someone I was deeply in love with suddenly and unexpectedly ended our relationship. It sent me into the darkest place I had ever experienced in my heart. It was a fast tailspin into a dark depression. It created an anxiety that made me feel like I might implode, and for a time it took everything I had to just show up in my life. Even my friends who had been happy for me were feeling disappointed and losing hope that any of us could find something healthy and loving. It was a scary time, but only one of the many heartbreaks I have experienced over my lifetime. We all have them.
Shortly after that happened, I made an oath that I would not let it break me. I chose to go deep into my own healing so that I could come out of the pain ready to open my heart again to the world. I chose to have it break me open instead of breaking me entirely. I was determined to move forward with an open heart, even if it was scary. I healed myself rather quickly because I allowed my pain to overwhelm me; I allowed myself to be in the heaviness of my sadness even when all I wanted to do was run as far away from it as possible. I was lonely, hurting and scared and I felt like I might not survive. But after years of practicing this work, I knew I needed to remain in the awful emotions. It’s not that I did not feel any less awful than anyone else going through a similar situation, but I knew that this too would shift. I would once again feel different: gentler and softer and more loving toward myself for showing up in my inner work.
When we don’t allow ourselves the opportunity to hurt and break down, we stunt our growth and our hearts. We close off from developing deeper connections with others because our connection with ourselves has been closed off. We tend to project our pain toward others, to our friends and family and beyond. When someone in our circle is putting themselves out there in a way that terrifies us, we might tell them all the reasons they shouldn’t do it. We can place our limitations on others and try to stunt their growth if we’ve limited our own. We may attach, judge, become righteous or see ourselves as better, all in order to hold onto control so we don’t have to feel our own pain.
In the long run, doing this makes us lonely and can riddle us with dis-ease. We may become anxious, stressed or controlling. We might even start to micromanage our environments and feel really certain about our opinions. We may keep ourselves so busy we can barely keep up in our lives. There becomes no space for seeing things in any other ways because we are holding on so tight to our worlds, views, and opinions just to avoid feeling anything.
A lifetime of this will leave you living in a small, judgement based world. It will lead you to keep everyone out that doesn’t see things the way you do, or participate in the world you the way you think they should. You may even be able to justify your judgements and feel you are blameless for your feelings and beliefs because of all the things you’ve endured.
This is an exhausting existence. All structured just so you don’t have to feel your emotions.
I implore you to take the risk to stop, to unravel, to feel your heart ache and to allow for your pain – as uncomfortable as it is – to have space to exist. It will be one of the hardest things you do, but you will come out of it a braver, kinder and more loving version of yourself.
Want to be supported in this work? Come join me for my 50 hour Yoga & Life Immersion starting on September 28th. I will support you and hold you so you can move through some of your heartaches and fears. You will leave with resilience and skills that will support you in your future.
Trust that you are supported by something greater than what you can see. That is spirituality: by learning to trust and have faith, you will be guided through the darkest nights of your life.
Love
Noelle
P.S I just scheduled a NEW 50 hour Yoga & Life Immersion Sept 28-Oct 3 2019
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