What makes someone emotionally available?
Why would you want someone to be emotionally available? This depends on whether you want to be emotionally available. Often, we have high expectations of others to deliver us their truths, but we may not be creating the space for our own emotional availability. The truth is, being emotionally available requires us to be vulnerable and courageous. As we build that skill it may feel scary and uncomfortable.
If you are unwilling to be open with yourself about how you feel, you will project judgment and your own discomfort onto others. When we are ‘closed’ emotionally it takes courage for others to be able to honestly express their own authenticity to us because they can feel the walls we have built.
How do you know if you are having honest emotional conversations with yourself? This is subjective as we often believe we are already doing it; however, an indicator that this may not be the case is if you are unable to allow someone else the space to be sloppy, raw and uncomfortable with you. When I do this, I find myself telling people what they are feeling and how they could change their situation, or I discount how they are feeling. I can feel the pinch in my heart, see the tears in their eyes and I notice a swell of emotion rise within me. When I am unable to be there for someone else, I am skillful at changing the subject and redirecting the conversation. I also try to take control of the outcome or avoid eye contact. Sometimes I see this in others when they get uncomfortable with conversations that are beyond chatting about the weather, or if a topic comes up that is challenging and intense.
Emotional availability can be hard when we socially isolate ourselves. We often isolate ourselves because we are intimidated by what we are feeling. We can feel alone in our emotions and isolate ourselves by simply believing no one else feels what we are feeling.
Emotional intelligence can intimidate others. It can make someone not want to be emotionally available. People who are not emotionally available can feel threatened when they are around others who are emotional. It can feel overwhelming to suppress experiences and emotions; it may even feel offensive and inappropriate. So tread lightly with your emotionality and conversations. You can lean into some deeper topics to see if someone is willing to travel into the conversation with you. If they are not ready, they will let you know. You can certainly show up as you and be open and vulnerable. However, if you do this and the other person isn’t able to meet you there, are you able to accept that and understand it doesn’t have anything to do with where you are at?
To be emotionally available means we have to be brave because we will likely make others uncomfortable. It takes bravery to not internalize someone else’s reaction to our own vulnerability. It takes great courage to honor someone’s shut down energy and not make it a story about us.
Emotional availability means we must be tuned into our own pains and watch the desire to project them in any way (lashing out, shutting down, trying to take control, gossiping and lowering our frequency). We can be confrontational when we start to unpack our emotional availability; as we begin to wake up we can feel a sense of shock for our own ignorance and project that onto someone else’s experience – judging whether they are meeting us where we are at.
We must be adventurous enough to be open and ask ourselves and others questions; we can try to be openly guided by someone else’s vulnerability. Being guided isn’t something we can force someone into, it’s has to be a voluntary act.
You can’t unknow what you start to know. Once you have seen beyond your own ignorance you can no longer be ignorant. Emotional intelligence builds on emotional intelligence.
Being willing to be open and honest breads openness and honesty in your life and your relationships, and it takes time. We must put in time with the people in our lives to build this. If you want to be emotionally available to people start within your community of family and friends.
In what ways do you prevent others from having their own experiences? In which ways do you numb yourself and try to mute others? How do you support yourself in being emotionally available, and what ways do you allow others to be vulnerable with you?
Remember we are all learning, evolving and growing. If you fumble through this please be kind to yourself so that you can also be kind to those around you.
With love
Noelle