If you are on a spiritual path, or a path of self-evolution, thank you. Thank you for showing up in your life. Thank you for doing the work, even when it’s difficult. Thank you for being curious and for choosing to be an explorer of your inner mapping. It is the greatest work that we can do in this world because if we can learn to show up for ourselves, to unpack the shame, sadness and emotions that sometimes overwhelm us, we are more capable of making dramatic shifts and changes in our world.
It is easy to get lost in the realm of comparison even when we are learning to be kinder to, and more aware of, ourselves. Sometimes it can feel like we ‘should’ know better or be able to ‘do’ better. When we look at our personal process in that way, we are being unkind and impatient.
When I started this practice of learning to be ‘conscious’, I was in my early 20s and my wounds were so great. I felt like all I was doing was licking them; I was ready to pounce on anyone that breathed too intensely near my open sores.
This process has been a long one for me; I am still in it, and will be forevermore as I practice being conscious in my life. At the beginning, I was impatient and critical of myself. In retrospect, the more critical I became of myself for not ‘knowing better’, the harder I was on those around me. I am embarrassed to admit that I was fierce in my judgement of others. I have now learned that if I own my struggles, I am less ravaged by shame. My definition of consciousness is ‘to be aware of how we respond to the world, and to have the ability to see when we are triggered and to learn to love ourselves instead of reacting to the outside world”.
Change, or the process of transformation, is available to all of us. At any moment in our lives, no matter our age, we can choose to shift and evolve. We don’t have to remain in the same patterns for the rest of our lives. When the same situations seem to be on repeat – when we continue to attract the same kind of undesired people in our lives, or we are stuck in a certain feeling – we can choose to wake up to the fact that something isn’t working for us. Then we can start the slow climb up to change.
I have learned, now that I am (happily) older, that transformation doesn’t happen overnight. It is a slow motion evolution. It comes in slow digestible moments, and it takes us time to review and decide how we feel. We learn what feelings we want to create more of in our lives, and we find ways to step away from the things we no longer want. We literally change the structure of our bodies as we begin to respond differently and feel differently. The shifts in our cellular body transform the way we are in the world.
I think the best way to move through beliefs and patterns is to have an accountability partner. Someone you can make a commitment with, someone to whom you can reach out and say, “I am struggling” or “I need help” or “I had a personal win today!”. It needs to be a mutual relationship with someone who can share the same things with you (this can’t be a one-sided thing). The practice is to create space for each other to fumble and fail; it is to find someone you can hold when they need to be held and someone who can hold you in return.
A dear friend and I have established some very specific language with each other to help us navigate our feelings and find ease in our communication. She came up with it: she would used the word ‘turtling’ when she was feeling shame and wanted to hide. Recently, when I was with her, I came across someone who triggered me emotionally. All I had to say was, “I’m turtling, I’m turtling”. It was an S.O.S that meant, “Please don’t make me explain, just support me as I move through this event”. She knew what I meant and was right by my side supporting me until I got my bearings back. She didn’t try to justify or to change me, she just witnessed my stress and allowed me to be me in it. She has been a huge gift in my life and so has this language that allows us to explain ourselves without having to have wisdom in our language for what we are feeling. As we unpacked it, we also came up with the image of a scorpion when we wanted to lash out from our pain. She once asked me how my heart was doing, after a particularly vulnerable time with another human, and I said, “My heart is ‘scorpioning”. It was simple and clear and, when we connected later, she could ask me specific questions about what that meant.
We need people to support us on our paths, and we are always on a path. I am far from figuring it all out. It’s just that now I am just less caught up in my shameful feelings because I can admit what I am going through. I am no longer responding to the circumstances of my days with an undertone of shame and embarrassment. I am moving with an open heart because I feel supported in being me with those around me and, most importantly, with myself. I am much sweeter and gentler with my world than I have ever been.
Do you have support? Do you feel loved for who you are? If not, please don’t think you are failing because you don’t have those things in your life. Use this as a guidepost and build that support into your beautiful life.
We are transforming as long as we are here in this human form, and as long as we are willing participate in our lives.
With love
Noelle
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