I was really skilled at living my life for what I perceived other people wanted of me, what my friends and family told me I should do. I did this for most of my life. I recall being very young and having absolute freedom. I remember feeling a general happiness, a sense of trusting the greater world and knowing I would be taken care of. Somewhere around age 6 or 7, things changed. I felt the joy leave me. I can remember starting to struggle more in school and in my home. I recall being sad. A lot. And not only sad, but frozen in trying to figure out what others wanted of me instead of trying to understand what I wanted for myself.
This started the long practice of not knowing or trusting myself and living for others instead. A few things happened to cause this. My parents got a divorce, and my dad moved out. My mom started to struggle a lot for reasons I couldn’t understand. I also experienced abuse. A lot has unraveled in my life, and it began at a tender age with the awareness that I wasn’t safe and the sadness that accompanied that. Both were deeply uprooting to me.
I learned that having an opinion that differs from others leads to not being worthy of friendships, love or respect. It’s been painful, getting to a point where I am confident enough in myself to have my own thoughts, dreams and opinions (on my own life) and let go of doing what others think I should be doing. Whether it’s who I should date to how big I can dream for myself. Choosing for myself has been – by far – the most courageous thing I have done in my life.
We all have a journey, a story, an experience or trauma that shifted us. That changed us. That taught us we needed to respond to making others happy instead of ourselves.
Where was this moment for you? How is that story stopping you from living like no one is watching?
What are you doing for show? How are you living to please others?
Are you choosing to be around people in your life because they make you fit into an image? Or are you choosing people because you actually like them? Because you feel full and happy when you are with them? Are you living in a house that fills you up on the inside or because it looks good on the outside? Is your relationship/career/life the dream you always imaged (even within the struggles), or is it what you think you keeps you in good social standing?
If no one was watching right now, what would you do? Would you dance? Would you change careers or start your own business? Would you travel more? Would you call that man/woman? Would you leave your relationship? Would you wear something different? How would you change the way you make decisions?
I had to have a hard look at myself, at the way I was living that was for others instead of for what actually lit me up. My decisions have definitely not all been supported by those around me. But today, I am refining my inner need to please and to do what others think I should do. It’s been a bit of a detox, a letting go of pleasing, of being accepted and liked. I always move with an intention of heart and never with an intention to harm, so that keeps me knowing I am moving from the right place. Even if others don’t see or understand my actions that way. Using this motivation as my motivation keeps me accountable to my most important person: myself.
The side effect of this is that it allows me to be far more compassionate towards others and jump to conclusions less and less.
Are you living in fear of disapproval? Would you choose to go to an event that you think wouldn’t be approved of by your social circle? How are you holding tight, not expressing yourself for fear of being judged? What are you not doing? What are you holding back from?
Dance with life, like no one is watching. Move towards your deepest dreams. Follow the voice within that is asking to be heard. Let go, just a little…and see how it feels.
with love
NoelleP.S If you find these messages beneficial, please help me share my message. Forward to a Friend, Follow my blog, or share on FB.