Have you ever had an experience where you thought you knew how you felt about something or someone, but just a single piece of information changed your point of view?
I have, and I continue to experience this regularly.
When someone presents a new view on a topic, how do you respond? Most of us have heard of confirmation bias, which means we seek out data, perspectives, people, social engagements, and work that aligns with our current beliefs.
But really, how do you respond when someone says something that makes you feel uncomfortable?
One of my favorite teachers and business philosophers is Simon Sinek. He speaks about how people are so quick to cancel each other – I feel this is one of the biggest frailties of our culture. He had an experience (I’m sure more than once) where someone on social media said, “I’ve followed your work for years, read all your books and been engaged in your work, and I disagree with what you’re saying in this post, so I’m unfollowing.” Just like that, you can lose a fan because you said something that made someone uncomfortable or disagree with your perspective.
It’s hard to make space for someone else’s perspective, especially when it triggers our own resistance. Whether feeling that our ideas are being challenged, believing our ideas make us who we are, or believing we have an immense authority over others when challenged, at our core we lose ourselves and our perception of being right.
You know that feeling when someone says something that makes you feel like you must prove them wrong? You’ll leave [the conversation] and do your own research to prove someone else is a fool or uneducated, and you even share your perspective with that person to enforce your discontent with them. I have, many times. I feel the annoyance rising in me, like a percolator; my skin starts to get itchy, I feel fidgety, all I can think of is what the person said, and I want to leave to build my case as to why they were wrong and how I’m right. For some it’s a quick unfollow, unlike, an excuse to slander them publicly to imagine them as wrong and ignorant. Heck, I may even call them ignorant.
I started to get tired of longing to be right. I watched the way some people around me were so ready to attack and condemn, and I saw myself reflected in that behaviour. So, this past year, I’ve made it a goal to listen to other people’s ideas and perspectives with curiosity and without making them wrong. I remind myself that I don’t have to be right, and no part of myself gets diminished when I make room for them.
This means I’ve started following other political parties and people with entirely different views; I even seek out thoughts that feel radical and controversial to me. It’s hard, but it’s getting easier with practice. I was getting way too judgmental and dismissive, and that felt like entitlement at a boiling point. Wowzah, as I’ve said, it’s been a hard practice. It’s also made me less critical, more accepting, and less judgmental. I keep practicing because it’s taking time to develop the muscles to be more open minded; I fumble often.
When we hear someone out or create space for their ideas, it doesn’t mean we become their thoughts. We don’t lose our sense of self and security by giving someone else a platform for expression. It helps me have a broader vantagepoint of the world, and I stop making my world small by only subscribing to the things I like. If I get caught in my own reality, it keeps me from growing and learning.
Learning to listen is what’s going to help us grow past the things that habitually make us want to lash out, cancel someone, or go on the offensive. All that does is create more separation and less inclusion.
My optimism believes we can create a world that’s more harmonious, kind, and loving by learning to work on the things that make us uncomfortable, being curious, and reacting less.
With love, Noelle