Have You Ever Struggled to Connect with Someone You Love?
Honestly, if you never struggle connecting with people you must be a magician. Because I, and everyone I know, have frequently suffered through awkward connections with people who are close to me. The truth is, connecting with the people you’re closest to requires you and them to be willing to be open. Goodness, that sounds complicated; but stay with me. It means we must be willing to be open and honest (i.e., vulnerable).
Let me give you an example of what it looks like when I’m not emotionally available: My girlfriend dives into a conversation about how she is struggling in her relationship, how she is struggling with her self-worth and how she is feeling raw and scared about where her relationship is going to end up. She is grappling emotionally. Her pain is palpable, and I can sense she is really suffering. In fact, I can feel this conversation is pulling her into her rawness and she wants to connect with me about it. However, in that moment, I happen to be tired, I haven’t had time to myself and I am feeling lonely and unsupported in my workplace. So I feel overwhelmed by her emotions and dismiss her pain and struggles. I dismiss how she is feeling and as quickly as I can, I change the conversation to something lighter, or worse, I tell her not to worry about it as it will all work out.
I believe that emotional availability (or lack thereof) is the reason we have so many conflicts in the world. We hurt each other and create distance in our relationships simply because we are too scared, overwhelmed or closed to these BIG emotions. We move away from the discomfort as quickly as we can. That action creates disconnection and separation from the people we want to connect with the most.
When I experience this from someone else, I feel like they just want it to go away. They want me to stop talking about it. It feels like they are looking at me like I am a foreigner; they leave me hanging out on my emotional ledge, sad and alone. I can tell they feel relieved to change the subject. I feel confused and alone.
If you’re not able to carefully hold your own pain and discomfort and allow them to exist, the idea of holding someone else’s pain feels awful. To be emotionally available you must be able to process your own pain in order to hold someone else’s. Your emotional availability to yourself allows you to process big emotions and feelings. If you’re not able to hold your own pain you will likely feel overwhelmed by someone else’s. Perhaps you find that you need a lot of quiet time in your life so that you can process the residue of anxiety and discomfort that you feel from not being able to process the energy of others.
The thing is, the people we want to share our deepest hardships with are people we feel we can trust; they may be lovers or dear friends or family. We have built connection and have had big life experiences with these people. They show up for us when we need help with a big project, they bring us dinner when something devastating has happened in our lives, they are perhaps raising children with us. So when someone we have this kind of connection to isn’t able to be emotionally available with us we can feel really confused.
When I have wanted someone important in my life to help me process a big emotion but I have felt shut down, I leave feeling disappointed, depleted and confused. I often interpret the confusion as my fault, like I did or said something wrong. We often fixate on what we might have done wrong, how we should have done it differently or that we are not loveable because of our vulnerability.
What I have learned from my own life, is that the more balanced I am (i.e., sleeping well, getting exercise, meditating, not feeling overextended at work) the more able I am to show up for the people in my life who need me. If I do these few simple practices daily or weekly I am a better person for myself and for those in my life.
What do you need in your life to be emotionally available to those you love? Are you able to hold your own pain? If this is something you struggle with, and most of us do, it takes practice to hold your own pain and struggles. It takes making space for your emotions and allowing them to exist.
With love, Noelle
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