Recently I received an emotional blow, unexpected and surprising. For a few days (weeks) I was challenged to move through without the emotional bombardment of deep sadness and self ridicule. I opened myself up to someone in a way I haven’t in a long time, and in the ‘situationship’ I found a part of myself I had lost track of and realized she’d been gone for so long.
You know the kind of hurt that takes your breath away, the kind that leaves you questioning your ability to get through to the next moment – the kind that you can’t even produce tears for, even though you crave the release.
This hurt is an unavoidable human experience. We can try to run along side of it, avoiding it by not being emotionally connected or distant, but eventually it catches us and grabs onto our sleave and pulls us into the dark cavern of pain.
Relationships are invitations, mostly to connect or reconnect with parts of ourselves that have either been dormant, that provoke joy for us, or magnify the places within us that need healing. Every single relationship we invite into our lives, the real ones – not casual acquaintances. The kinds that connect us to each other, at some point, most will cause us some degree of inner conflict.
Sometimes this hurt is caused by a friend, who suddenly abandons your relationship, no explanation. A lover that ghosts you. A work relationship that took a dark turn. A family member that is cruel and judgemental. Someone who publicly disrespects you.
The kind of ending that leaves you in pain from the very act of how they left, is what feels cruel and unkind. Even though the way we treat others is an exact mirror of our own shit, the pain we cause in our undoing of a relationship can be astonishingly brutal. There is a level of devastation that takes over your heart when a soul connection comes to an end.
In any case, if the action from this person happens with such distaste and rapid disconnection, this causese harm. It may not be conscious, but in order to repair that relationship, the person will need to be able to recognize their role and be willing to make some sort of amends.
This is something any of us are capable of, and being able to see our own behaviours is foundational in creating less pain in the world.
A few years ago, one of my publications was called ‘hurt people hurt people’. We’re all hurt, we’ve all been hurt, so does that mean all of us are hurting others? The short answer is yes, the real answer is that it’s more complicated than that.
We cause hurt when we don’t communicate. When we abandon a relationship with no conversation. When we’re mean to someone, when we speak cruelly to someone. When we pull someone into our fold and without warning release them.
However, when we experience great difficulty there is an opportunity for great healing. It’s important to experience the pain, yet it’s equally important not to hold onto it for a prolonged period of time. If we can see the situation that caused us suffering as an opportunity for awakening and healing, eventually we have the opportunity to transform what once felt devastating.
We make our life sacred when we are able use the difficulty as a way to be kinder to ourselves. Learning to be generous with your inner language, and develop a practice of self-love by tending to the wounded parts of yourself. Speaking with the kindest tone that you would to a child.
The willingness to slow down and stay in the unbridled feelings of a given experience, is a reckoning of great order. It’s the place where we distill hurt and burn the coal of our soul to produce the gold that healing brings. Finding a way to transform the pain by using practices that take care of yourself is not only healing for yourself but for those around you.
Sometimes it’s small increments of love, one month at a time, one week at a time, and eventually it can be one day, or one breath that can elevate the richest parts of self-discovery. A reclamation of the love inside you and possibly a growth of that love in ways you could have never imagined.
Welcoming back a relationship of kindness to oneself is the greatest act of love any of us can learn to do.
When we’re able to be accountable for our actions and own them, no matter how painful it is to ‘see’ oneself as causing harm, we can do that from a place of self love.
When we see the error of our ways, not only can we be kinder and more generous to ourselves, but we develop the capacity to forgive others in world altering ways. Giving second chances and making peace with people’s mistakes, instead of making their mistakes how we see them.
Love is the act of bringing peace to ourselves and finding healing from our pain.
Love, Noelle