At a crosswalk, waiting for my daughter to catch up to me, a car stopped and the man inside frantically waved me across. I said, “No, thank you” and waved him along. He waited for me to follow his direction, and after what felt like one full minute (but was actually more like 10 seconds) he waived his hands in the air, exasperated by my inability to follow his directives.
It was something so small and seemingly insignificant, yet as he pulled away I felt anxious and had to work to calm down. I had to stop and take a few deep breaths to land back in my body because I had felt the urge to defend my reasoning.
We often make assumptions about what someone should be doing without understanding the full picture. When we make assumptions, we lose the ability to see the ‘other’ or the situation clearly because we fixate on the story we’ve made up. When we want our perspectives to be correct, we often end up trying to make someone else ‘wrong’. Instead of managing our own thoughts and actions, we can become reactive and controlling instead of taking stock and calming down.
Whenever we interact from a place of ‘neediness’ (needing to control the world around us) we become frenetic and edgy. Instead of using that energy to regroup and using our breath to calm our nervous system, we project our frenzied energy into the world in ways that can be unkind and overwhelming, not only to ourselves but to our communities, friends and families. When I take my own discomfort and lack of control and use those chaotic feelings to govern the world around me, I’m easily agitated and triggered by others’ behaviors. But when I pay attention to my breath, calm down and consider that my thoughts are my own (and allow others to have their own experiences), I don’t get angry and I certainly don’t feel like my role is to supervise or have dominion over anyone else.
We’re living in full technicolor right now with a global pandemic. As we collectively move through this journey, we fixate on one topic then another (social distancing/hand washing/how the virus is spread etc.). With little concrete evidence reaching most households, we’ve become individual experts. We make choices for ourselves as that is all we can do; however, when we believe others are wrong for choosing differently, we create a world of divisiveness. This creates conflict and ‘us versus them’ behaviors and responses. In making someone else wrong we lose our peace; often, our opinions need to get louder in order to be heard.
For example, in regards to wearing a mask, it seems that politics are increasingly at play. It is becoming a topic of the moment. Whatever your opinion, what if you could make the choice that best serves you? One that doesn’t force you to try to control other people’s choices? What would happen to your peace if you allowed yourself to make your own choices and didn’t fixate on the behaviors of others? Would you feel calmer if you didn’t assume that one decision would save the world and another would destroy it? The level of intensity we attach to our opinion has a direct impact on our ability to regulate the energy we put into the world. If you’re desire is to control what others do, how does that make you feel? How does it feel when someone does that to you?
What if we spent more time creating calm inner environments? I’m not suggesting that we not have opinions or become passive observers. But ask yourself how your life would change if you could manage your sense of peace and move through the world with peace leading the way.
Would that change your life?
With love
Noelle
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