We’re living in an amazing time, there’s so much information traveling through our individual and collective spheres. Ten years ago the phrase ‘setting boundaries’ was rarely heard. I recall using it with a colleague and was told I was too firm by being clear around behaviours and expectations at work. They felt that being honest with people about expectations was too demanding. Yet anyone who has managed other people, households with children or partners, hopefully understands that communication is key. This includes our expectations, being honest about how we feel and explaining ourselves, while also creating space for two-way conversation.
Boundaries are about understanding ourselves. They’re about the complex relationship we have around being honest and clear with ourselves, and how, in turn, that affects our relationships with others. We may think we’re being honest with ourselves, but if we’re not being open about what we need or expect from others we’re not. If we’re not brave with being honest, we will consistently struggle with clarity around our boundaries.
It isn’t having all the answers or making sure that the people around you do what you want them to do. It isn’t making sure the world around you is micromanaged and that you have control over the things happening in your life. It’s about being clear about what you want and need for yourself, not what you need from others – meaning others aren’t here to make our world better.
Getting into a relationship with someone who is messy when you’re a tidy person, and then getting upset with them for not abiding by your standards, isn’t about setting boundaries. Clarity comes from acknowledging that you both had different standards prior to living together and setting expectations around how you will each allow for the other’s tendencies, without one person abandoning themselves to please the other.
“Creating expectations” is really what “setting boundaries” should be called, so we’re not surprised when someone doesn’t feel or behave the same way we do. It’s defining what’s OK and what’s not OK for you.
Unlike what my colleague felt in my example, boundaries are about being more loving and open and not about being difficult or guarded.
We get upset when we don’t listen to ourselves and our inner knowing. You may feel that in a subtle tingling in your gut, the gritting of your teeth, or the holding of your breath. We almost never recognize the gentle responses that our bodies make in order to get our attention. We’ll blow past these ‘warning’ signals in order to be liked, please others, or seem agreeable. We may also ignore them to feel loved, to avoid slowing down, or to feel like we’ll get more opportunities if we live in accordance with what we think others want of us instead of valuing what is good for us.
It’s like having tight hips and lower back and your solution is to get a massage once a month instead of going to yoga or stretching regularly. You can have someone make up for your lack of self-care, but overtime the collective tension building in your body and personal neglect will develop into more pain. Not taking care of yourself is how the problems start to build up.
Similarly, when we aren’t clear about our needs, we allow people to treat us how we treat ourselves. When we’re shocked that someone continues to ask for help but they never help us when needed, it isn’t because they’re a bad person, it’s because we’ve shown them it’s OK to ask us for anything, because we always say yes.
The tension has built, and because you’re soothing the parts of yourself that want to be accepted by others by doing anything they want, you become resentful. Which is about us, not them.
Having boundaries is your way of saying that you can’t help, even if it’s uncomfortable to say no. It’s choosing to stretch regularly to keep your body pliable and capable. Setting clarity around your life and available energy is a sign of knowing yourself.
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need, but be prepared that you may not receive it. We have to remember that we’re the only ones that can ask for what we need. We need to address our needs but be able to compromise around them (if appropriate), but it’s complicated. Know thyself: if cleanliness is a non-negotiable and you end up in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value that, you may have overstepped your needs and no amount of clarity will resolve the problems that arise.
As the ever-impressive Brene Brown said in an interview with Tim Ferris “The only thing we do in lieu of boundaries is anger, resentment and gossip.”
Tending to yourself is a complicated thing, but understanding what happens when you’re not clear is important. What emotions arise when you’re not listening to yourself? What parts of yourself require tending to?
with love, Noelle