It was a few years ago and I was out for dinner with a dear friend. While I had Pho dripping down my chin – on occasion I lack class when eating in public – he looked at me and said that my steady eye contact was unnerving and intimidating, and then he laughed. I laughed and said, “I know…I’m aware that my eye contact can feel intense, but I want to look at the people who are speaking to me, and being engaged means I’m paying attention. It also means that my conversations are rarely about the weather and often pretty meaningful to me.”
Here’s the thing; if we only want to talk about the weather, gossip, or any topic that keeps us on the surface, we hold ourselves back from getting to know one another.
I LOVE good banter and conversation that’s playful and sarcastic. It’s delightful to engage in light ways; however, if we never dive deeper, especially when life feels heavy, we won’t have the language or the endurance to sit in conversations that provoke fragile emotions or heartier topics.
You want to make someone feel awkward really quickly? Dive deep into a conversation they’re not ready to take on, or venture beyond small talk. It can be a quick way to lose rapport with someone! It’s like going on a first date and your date vomits their past relationship failures onto you with deep sadness and unprocessed emotion, and you find yourself ready to yell “CHEQUE”’ to the server or sneak out when they go to the washroom.
Some people are skillful at pulling out big questions and making you feel seen and heard, but if they’re unwilling to be as vulnerable themselves, be wary: this can be a sign of manipulation or someone who’s not emotionally available.
Deep conversation can happen when two people have built trust together.
There are people who have the capacity to pull deep conversations out of thin air. This can be because they’ve built relationships of trust in their community or they’ve reached a depth in themselves that energetically others feel drawn to or safe within. I’ve published honest columns, speak about my failings, and present ideas that may be new to some or germinate ideas that have already seeded in someone’s psyche. These actions promote trust, which can give me the opportunity to have great (impromptu) conversations in the cereal aisle of the grocery store.
I’ve made big social mistakes when I’ve confused building trust with oversharing. It’s happened at work and in personal situations that I’ve shared things I shouldn’t have, or asked questions that were inappropriate and bold; that has disassembled a relationship in a heartbeat. I wasn’t trying to dismantle trust, but I wasn’t being discerning enough with myself. I put myself out there because I wanted to connect but ended up creating disconnection.
It is possible to genuinely engage with someone without being over the top, a way that feels honest and inquisitive. If you ask about someone’s life with curiosity (not in a gossipy way) or offer a specific question, (“how does that make you feel?”) when someone’s expressing something that seems impactful, you’re bound to build trust. The key is, if you’re going to ask personal questions you have to be willing to hold that information without excessive judgement or a desire to share with others, while also remaining present and engaged. The thing I’m working on these days is listening more; the more I do that, the more gorgeous the conversations I have.
If you ask me, I think interesting conversations happen when we’re able to step beyond small talk. Keep things playful and light when it feels right, but allow for curiosity. This will help us all feel more connected and less separate.
With love
Noelle