Recently I was compelled to have a difficult conversation with someone I cared about – the relationship had hit a roadblock and an important conversation needed to happen. I never like these types of conflicts, but I’ve learned – the hard way – that when I don’t have them it creates more rigidity and struggle and ultimately leads to more blowouts and drama. This ends with me feeling resentful and bitter.
When things feel weird, I want to have the conversation – I want to clean up my mind and the stories that I’ve created around whatever is coming up for me. Which means I have to walk into the flames of discomfort so that the conflict doesn’t turn into something that is hard to repair or come back from altogether.
In regard to the difficult conversation, the situation got worse quickly because the other person had held back frustrations and needs, which meant things weren’t good. They expected that I knew what they were thinking, which is impossible. The whole thing culminated in some time out to process for both of us.
Space is good, it creates distance from intense emotions and gives us time to become less reactive. Yet, too much space creates story telling, hurt, and a lack of connection – which makes coming back from the conflict hard.
Our lives involve relationships, and at times, relationships come with struggle. Even if we’re conflict averse, we can’t hide from it, because in hiding more strife is generated.
Hopefully we have a modicum of self-awareness, although according to Dr. Carl Jung, even if we are self-aware, we’re aware of our ego and it’s a hard journey to actually see ourselves. The ego is deeply self-focused, wanting to succeed over all else.
Inner work isn’t external achievements, it’s the work we do to heal ourselves and the stuff that no one gives us credit for. Our life benefits from this work, over time (years) we can become more at peace with ourselves, seeking out less drama, hopefully we stop creating issues out of the small things. We learn to communicate our needs and take personal responsibility for them.
We learn to be boundaried and will likely have a period of time of being over structured with our borders, until we have the emotional capacity to come back to center.
We learn to address the parts of ourselves that have responded harshly when we feel challenged. We learn to listen to ourselves and speak up for the things we need, we learn how to be clear and why that’s important for our own emotional health.
Learning to do our work is an intricate evolution involving self-awareness, weaved in with external support, and education. It’s not for the faint of heart. Undertaking this is hard and difficult, for myself I contended with my self-righteousness. After years of working through what was happening in my psyche, I thought I had it figured out and wasn’t afraid to state that. Which was a sign that I was still deep in my work, and needed more humility than arrogance.
In our early stages of our work, it’s not uncommon to use our new found awareness and language to help us with our conflicts, yet we can use them in toxic and harmful ways. Doesn’t mean that’s always the case, but using modern words to describe what you’re experiencing doesn’t make you healthy. It makes you knowledgeable on language.
When we’re new to the work, in the middle of it, or when we think we’ve got it sorted out; there’s one indicator to check in to see if we’ve been able to truly self-reflect and heal some of our patterns that arise when we feel hurt.
It lies in how we respond to those around us when we feel hurt.
It lies in how we treat ourselves when we feel hurt.
It lies in the stories we tell ourselves when we feel hurt.
It lies in our capacity to sit in our discomfort without making someone else wrong.
We’ll never do enough ‘work’ to never feel hurt, we simply know that in those storms we’re able to slow down, take stock of our emotions, try to understand why we’re feeling so much, and find ways to be gentle with our response to ourselves.
If our response involves attacking someone’s character or who they are, that’s a HUGE indicator that you’re projecting your emotions onto someone else. If you’re able to respond and speak about how you’re feeling and what you need and how your needs are not being met without being destructive with your words, that’s a barometer that you’re doing your work and able to self-soothe your emotions and not blame others for how you’re feeling.
One day at a time, each situation brings up different and similar emotional experiences. It’s up to us to learn about ourselves, not for us to make other people responsible for attending to our needs. Maturity is knowing your experience is yours, you have choices, so if something isn’t working it might be time to sever a relationship – but learning that you’re in the driver’s seat of your own life, while learning to tend to your emotions and why there arriving will be the most profound work we all will do.
My personal conflict wasn’t resolved in any fairytale story, but the way I took care of myself was to not believe the harsh words tossed my way. Sometimes growth is gifted in what someone shares about us, and sometimes it’s gifted in our ability to see someone else for their pain.
love, Noelle