I am moving into the biggest love affair of my life. It took me over 40 years to realize that this love was going to be the most important of my life and I had been neglecting it.
I am in the midst of a love affair with myself. I realized I had be neglected the most raw and precious part of myself: my heart. I thought i’d been catering the desire for love, but I realize it had been an exterior feasting instead of an inner reclaiming.
I’m reclaiming the parts of me that know how to be patient, to allow for things to not go as I planned, to be kind and compassionate. To be sexy, to be feminine, to be sweet and strong. To be quiet and opinionated. To be more of what I want to experience in my life. And it’s really hard.
Turns out I am super impatient with myself. I have so little tolerance for making mistakes or for what I perceive to be failures. I am rugged and pushy. I expect so much. I rarely ask for help. I have a hard time leaning on others. Can you relate?
I am so thirsty for romance, but I built a world around me that was structured on a weak foundation. I didn’t believe I was worthy enough to have all that I dreamed of. I am learning to be more accepting of myself, to allow for the days that feel less sparkly. I am learning to allow for pain. I am creating space to crumble, and within that, I am learning to be tender and gentle with myself.
I want to be able to offer those parts of myself to my future lover. I want to be kinder to myself, so I can be kinder to the one(s) I choose to share intimate space with.
When we journey in relationships, we quickly realize that to be in relation is work. We must consistently choose to show up and be present and engage without throwing away something good because it all of a sudden became difficult. In a combined decision to create a world with another person, it takes dedication, trust and resilience. Our partners will make mistakes. We will make mistakes. At moments, some of those mistakes may feel unforgivable. Sometimes they may be unforgivable. Most of the time, though,we can decide to dig deep and find a way to forgive so that we can choose to continue the journey with our chosen person.
Point is, I realize that if I am unable to be kinder, tender, forgiving, passionate and open with myself, how can I ever have that with someone else. I realize I can’t.
In this sweet, rest-of-my-life love affair, I am choosing to be aware that it takes effort to keep the passion going. I want to feel the heat of passion always. I want to feel the desire to smile at myself in the morning, to see the good in me. To care about how I look (in a healthy way) in a way that keeps me accountable to providing a constant practice of daily exercise, meditation, nourishing food, loving friends, family and co-workers.
Even writing this is an example of the practice of loving myself. I feel freer, I feel more resilient, excited at what I will create next, curious about who I will invite into my sacred life, be it friends, family, or loves. I am called to show up, to be present in as many moments throughout my day to be as loving as possible with myself.
Are you ready for your next love affair?
with an open heart
Noelle
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