I no longer remember when I first met my anger, it’s become so much a part of who I am that its arrival alludes me. For so long I had a tumultuous relationship with her, she felt like shame that boiled in me, my failure as a woman for not always being perky or friendly. My failure to contain my discontent was destructive to my self-worth. It didn’t help that anger is such a feared emotion societally, or that a friend of mine once told me that she never experiences anger, implying that anger was for the weak.
One sunny cloudless day, sitting by calm water, I invited my anger in. It was a profoundly intimate day. I invited her into the calmest territory – my own peace. I met her with soft hands, without my jaw clenched, and without shame, and I found my powerlessness buried deep within her.
That day I learned so much about her, that she arrives whenever I feel powerless. She revealed how she became a part of me when I could not protect myself in dangerous situations. When I didn’t know how to take care of myself in the most sacred of ways.
I spent many days learning all the ways my powerlessness came to be. Anger has been my saviour when no one else could stand by me or protect me from the harms that came my way. She was there when no one could explain why I had to suffer so much pain and didn’t know how to keep those out who would bring harm to my life. She grew within me, like my child; she was inseminated and took many years to grow into herself. She took her time to be born, but when she did, she was young and without guidance or support.
I oscillated between hiding her and letting her have her way with me. She had to find her voice, but I just didn’t know what to do with all that emotion, I didn’t know how to tame her. In truth, she’s never meant to be tamed, she’s always meant to be known. Any attempt to tame her resulted in destruction, resulting in destroying my peace.
In order to manage her I birthed control: control to manage myself. But, as control does, it can get out of control. Control is always thirsty for control. It was skillful in its initiation into my life. It uses many forms, but it’s a way to prevent me from feeling too much. Over the years, I’ve spent much time with control and we’ve learned together to let go, to unburden from that addiction of controlling myself and those around me. Like any part of us, it never leaves, I just learned to have a healthier relationship with her.
My anger had much to show me, and I’ve learned to welcome her in. I’ve learned to listen to her. She made me feel again, showed me how to experience the world, taught me of her value and of mine. Although unskilled at first, she taught me how to access my body. She speaks to me when something is provoking my powerlessness.
At those times, I have to discern whether something or someone is actually trying to render me powerless or if it’s that dear wound that needs tending. When she speaks through me, I listen right away, as she is powerful with her messages. She is as wise as the cosmos and always comes bearing a message. She wants to gift me gentleness, that’s her intention, she wants to bring me peace, and she’s here to show me where I need to focus my attention to heal pains, or relationships, or where I need to be cautious. She’s wise beyond her years.
I’m so humbled by her presence and by the lessons she teaches me. We’re not meant to be happy all the time, we’re not meant to be cheerful and only focus on easy things, we’re meant to experience big emotions, ones that teach us in bold ways. Don’t fear the intensity, know it’s here for a reason, know that it’s meant for you.
Be careful of those who can’t handle you unless you’re chipper and content most of the time. They might be people who are trying to control others, they might be showing you how strong they’re own control is. I’m not saying we should walk around in destructive states most of the time, but caution is wise when dealing with people who can’t tolerate you to have your own process and experiences.
Be gentle as you explore the dark realms of your soul, because there is always something hidden in plain sight for you to find.
with love, Noelle