“You use up everything you’ve got trying to give everyone what they want” Nina Simone
When it comes to compliments, I find them easier to accept if I don’t make too much of them. I don’t need people to tell me that I’m amazing for me to continue doing something I love. However, if I’m completely honest with myself (and my friends and readers of this column), I consistently contend with allowing others’ unkind opinions to take dominion over my reality. I find it shocking that anyone else can place judgments on me, and that those words could create as much harm as they have. This isn’t something I’m eager to admit outside of my trusted circle, yet it’s an absolute truth.
Here’s what I think about the opinions of others (this includes when I ‘bestow’ my opinions on others): they are acts of trying to take dominion over another’s life. It’s a power play. We’re saying, “I think this, and my beliefs, are more intelligent than anything you’ve thought up for yourself”. It’s arrogant to think we know what’s best for anyone else, yet it’s so easy to play the role of ‘the omnipotent one’.
This doesn’t just apply to ideas of how people should live their lives, but includes words that insinuate that someone is unintelligent, unkind, or lacking in awareness. When we articulate these judgments, we can have devastating effects on people’s reputations and self-esteem. We see this behavior constantly in politics and in our social lives. We see it play out with our children and in our workplaces.
Point being, it’s an illusion that we can control others by sharing our thoughts and opinions on how people live their lives or on their points of view. It’s a control we try to leverage to gain power over and dismantle someone else (in the worst cases), and gain power over their well-being.
The paradox is that there are times when we need to speak up and say that someone’s words, behaviors, or actions aren’t OK. But the delicate balance lies in the question of your intentions for the outcome. Are you feeling hurt and thus entitled to hurt someone else, or is it clear that something needs to be said (i.e., shining light on sexual misconduct in the workplace)?
When I’ve experienced attacks in my workplace or by friends, it’s left me wrecked. I’ve had to pull inward and close off socializing; working through them requires a deep quiet. I lose trust in those around me and I spend my energy reminding myself what is good and worthy. I normally end up in a war zone, with my own devil telling me hurtful things. It feels devastating at the time, but eventually I rebuild and slowly let people back in. However, I’ve learned that even with healing and time I still end up with a scar. It is one that only I see; one that I have to work with because it will pop its ugly head out and harm someone else if I’m not careful.
When I’m in a good place, people can say what they wish about me and I will be gentle with myself. I will be able to see that their opinion is just that, and I can leave it on the floor and walk over it. I don’t have to carry it with me. I don’t own it and it never gains any power over my thoughts; most importantly, it doesn’t influence how I think about myself.
If you’re experiencing or have experienced this in your life, how have other people’s words affected you? Have you been emotionally injured because of them? Do you thirst for compliments? Do compliments influence your opinion of yourself? Have you been unconscious and unkind in your language and intentions toward someone else?
Regardless of how you respond to these questions, your ability to feel good and joyful ultimately lands in your own hands. How are you going to use your hands to carve out how you want to feel about yourself?
With love
Noelle