There is a an inner peace that unfolds when our relationships are easy and without consistent conflict. It feels calm and fluid. It is such a wonderful feeling when things are easy with our friends, loved ones, and colleagues. However, we all know that isn’t the norm. We are often swinging through scrambled connections and dense communications. We find ourselves struggling through everyday interactions at home or beyond. Relationships can feel rugged and painful.
A HUGE part of being human is learning healthy ways to navigate relationships.
The most intimate relationships we have offer us endless opportunities to communicate and show up in our work.
Here is what I know: our relationships are a reflection of how we see ourselves. They mirror what is going on within us, what we believe we are worth. We invent stories about what kind of relationships we are worthy of having – having desirable relationships might show you your stories are serving you well. If your relationships are less then magnificent, perhaps your story needs a review. Either way, if you want to make changes in the relationships in your life, you will need to have a good hard look at the stories you tell yourself.
Relationships conjure up all sorts of stories. Do you believe you should only hang out with a certain group of people? Do you find yourself seeking approval by using your social group as a measure of your worthiness? Do you only engage with people if you feel they have something to offer you? Do you so desperately want to be liked that you forgo your own desires to fit in with people you believe will make you look good? Is it so scary to be alone that you will tolerate undesirable behavior from friends and lovers, in order to avoid being alone? Will you use your social group as a buffer in order not be deeply intimate with someone, ultimately using your social life to protect your heart?
Or perhaps you go the opposite direction and hide from being social. You convince yourself that no one understands you; keeping people at bay is the safest place for you to be. You self-isolate and have very few relationships and therefor very few conflicts: you don’t even have enough quality time with folks to conjure up any conflict.
Regardless of where you fall, the key point here is to learn what your relationships are attempting to teach you about yourself. Our relationships are here to offer us deep self-exploration. They are here for our greater learning. If you are open to it, your relationships can teach you a tremendous amount about the relationship you have within yourself. Maybe you don’t have very clear boundaries and let people into your life that don’t respect you and don’t treat you very well – which could be an example of how you don’t value yourself and don’t believe you are worthy of more. Perhaps your relationships are really draining and you are often left feeling exhausted and under loved – possibly because you believe love is something you have to work hard for and maybe even suffer for. You could have an amazing community around you that fills you up and has a balanced give and take and feels overall really good – which would show you that you might have a really positive relationship with yourself.
The way we respond to someone else’s opinion shows us whose opinions we prioritize. Who we are seeking affirmation from can be an opportunity to ask ‘why’. Why do you care about a certain person’s approval?
If you are having conflicts with similar stories, but the characters are rotating, what are you avoiding facing? If you are reliving the same patterns, what lessons have you not yet learned?
If you find yourself always blaming others for your experience, perhaps it’s time to evaluate why you are giving away your sense of inner power. How can someone else be at fault for your experiences?
In short, we are constantly projecting our own inner experience onto others. Hoping to either control or manipulate outcomes, we are rarely curious or quiet. We are rarely able to see beyond our own forecasts of our thoughts. Sometimes it’s worthy to just ask why. Why are you experiencing what you are experiencing? Why do you, in a moment, believe a person is wrong? Why do you want to create a certain outcome?
If you are ready to be curious, you could start by asking your friends, lovers and colleagues questions instead assuming why they are responding or acting in a certain way. You could ask them why the make the choices they make. With this practice, you might be able to get out of your head and witness a much broader perspective. You might be able to see what your relationships are actually here to teach you.
with love
Noelle
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