One of my biggest weaknesses has been my inability to say I am sorry. Even today, I am not professing to have mastered the art of apology, or of knowing when an apology is needed.
The art of saying sorry shifts from situation to situation.
Saying sorry isn’t an answer or a cure to all challenging relationships or interpersonal dynamics. Saying sorry does not solve all the problems in the world. However, it does make us more accountable for our own actions and, in turn, allows us to speak and behave with consciousness. That does change the world.
Apologizing is a humbling action, especially if our behaviours or words have been wild and messy. Or if we really wanted to be right. I get in my own way with that one; my need to be right can blind me to the bigger picture. When I understand that if I am not right, my world will not fall apart, I take some of the aggression out of my conviction. If I can soften to other possibilities, I can choose to be compassionate toward someone else’s perspective. This is a kinder response than holding my ground without compromise.
I also have a tendency to believe that everything is my fault, and this is one of the reasons it has felt so challenging to say I’m sorry. If everything is my fault, I believe I must be a horrible person; if I apologize, it makes this belief real. That’s a heavy way to see the world, and it doesn’t serve me. I am learning to be softer with myself and believe that I (like everyone else!) am also doing the best I can.
Sometimes things are my fault, but not always. When I’m not at fault, I don’t have to prove my innocence: sometimes creating space for another to express themselves or better understand a situation can be a peace offering.
I am learning to say sorry to myself for my poor decisions, for being vulnerable and getting hurt, for trusting the wrong people, for not trusting myself and for not showing up as my best self. I am finding that the more I learn to forgive myself, the easier it is to forgive others. For both small and great wrongs.
Are you willing to forgive yourself above all else? What are you willing to apologize for?
I originally published this a few years back, and recently listened to this podcast with Dr. Brene Brown and Harriet Lerner about her new book. I thought it would be appropriate to add this podcast to a ‘must listen’ to list for this weeks ‘homework’. Click here to listen.
with love
Noelle