‘The version of yourself that you had to be in order to survive through something difficult, is not the version you can now be to move forward’.
Healing is a complex process of time, acceptance, releasing, forgiveness (most often of ourselves), tending to your needs, being brave, taking chances emotionally, and rebuilding. I’ve been given many opportunities of healing, but before I could see them as a gift, I needed space from those situations and people.
Once I had a friend that I trusted dearly, and that friend ended up being an enemy, which was so hard, and unexpected. It was someone I loved dearly, trusted, and I hadn’t recognized the severity of her mental health diagnosis. That friendship led me to some beautiful highs and tremendous lows, just like her bi-polar. Things got very unsafe and no matter how much help I sourced from the legal system; nothing could save me from the demons that she contended with.
The damage to my life was awe inspiring, stories that movies are made from. It’s taken years to pull myself out of the wreckage; mostly emotionally. The financial havoc, I may never build back from, but I’ve learned to make peace with that part.
Initially I would hold the pain close, as if it was a badge that said ‘why me’, what did I do to deserve this.
I lived for a long time as a victim, in my body and mind. It stopped me from trusting, and taking chances or believing in others. I needed some safety, so I found ways to create that by self-protecting.
Eventually I would learn to let that go, to become the new version of myself. The one that allowed myself to be healed, that learned to soften and succumb to my anger; eventually through allowing those big feelings I could relinquish the consistent hold on my heart. I had to remind myself of who I wanted to be, and start being her and let go of the fierceness that I had to bring in, in order to move through that time.
I was resourceful and attentive, scared and angry, but I couldn’t imbibe those sensibilities and sustain the high alert and the fear in my new world. I eventually had to move to softening, to trusting.
In the ways that you’ve struggled, in the pain that has engulfed you, and the challenges you’ve faced. You’ve shown great courage, you’ve learned and become wiser and more compassionate. Remember that you’re capable of great things, even when you feel torn down by the experience.
Don’t allow the heart-ache to break you forever, don’t spend the rest of your life trying to protect yourself from pain. When we do, we become shells of ourselves and lose the richness that pain can teach us. Learning to see the good in the mundane, to feel beauty when no one else sees it. That’s healing. Doesn’t mean we forget, it means we use the experience to make us new versions of ourselves, the ones we want to become.
If you’re in the midst of difficulty, it will shift. You won’t forget, but learning to trust that someday you will feel different. Someday you will be able to make some sense of it. Someday it will feel less heavy, less intense, and is important to also remind yourself of.
In a world where fantasy has become a reality, it’s important to remember that it’s not true. You will be required to be brave when you don’t want to be. You will be surprised by our own strength, it will make you the person who can pick up the pieces of yourself and find a newness that is raw, soft, gentle, kind and strong.
Be there, in all the places grief takes you, so that you can come back with more to offer to those in your world. Don’t be tempted by becoming jaded, hardened, dark and untrusting, it will make life harder.
Stay with the discomfort of finding yourself; the feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, loss, heart-ache, disbelief, and eventually it will change you, if you allow yourself to go with it and be changed by it and grow into a genuine human that may learn to lean towards love more than fear.
love, Noelle