This is a difficult topic for most because apologies have many facets – there’s apologizing to others, having someone else apologize to us and forgiving ourselves. A few weeks ago, when I tackled the topic of difficult conversations, it would have been easy to put apologies high on that list. In an attempt to unpack the complexity of apologies, I’m aiming to simplify the concept.
What’s the purpose of apologizing? Why would you choose to apologize? Are you trying to manipulate or avoid conflict, or do you genuinely feel remorse and want to voice that? When we apologize, we have no idea how the other person is going to take it. Will they forgive and move on, or hold on tight and use the apology as an excuse to hold us accountable? This is why I feel that apologies are a hot topic; we could all spend time figuring out what they mean to us and what our relationship is to apologizing and receiving apologies.
I have a belief that most things are my fault. It’s a deep-rooted and limiting belief that often backfires. I find myself apologizing for things I shouldn’t. It goes deeper than believing everything is my fault, and I often find myself over-apologizing , which leaves me feeling like I’ve given up a part of myself. It also means I don’t hold the other party accountable for their behaviour. This doesn’t mean I don’t do things that require apology: there are countless times when people expect me to apologize but I don’t because I’m either oblivious or feeling defiant.
Years ago I dated someone who would apologize but not make an attempt to change it. The apologies became meaningless because there was no follow through, no sign of remorse and no change in behaviour. The longer I stayed in that relationship, the more resentful I became (among other things). Years afterwards, I still felt so angry and frustrated for not being heard or seen, but in the end it wasn’t serving me. Holding onto hurt and frustration and wanting to be seen in my struggle – I was being held in a prison of resentment for myself and the other person. The act of forgiving myself for experiencing behaviour over and over again and choosing to stay that freed me. I had to forgive myself for not showing up for myself sooner. There have been many times in my life when I’ve had to forgive myself for not knowing better, for choosing things that didn’t serve me and for staying too long in unhealthy environments.
An apology is a simple act that invokes complex emotions, and often the emotions compete with the simple act. There’s no guaranteed outcome when we apologize to anyone except for ourselves, where we have the ability to make peace with ourselves for causing pain (often unintentionally) to someone else.
There are a few simple things to follow when delivering an honest apology:
- Acknowledge our own behaviour.
- Own our actions and avoid saying “but you did…”
- Be sincere.
- Be OK with being unbelievably uncomfortable (aka vulnerable). Ultimately, we can’t protect our ego and have a good apology.
If you want to apologize you have to be willing to:
- Give up control.
- Prioritize relationships.
- Give up being right.
You can’t give an authentic apology over text or email. At the very least it must be done in real time, over the phone, on video or in person.
My best relationships are those with people I’ve been able to get truly uncomfortable with and both of us have felt lighter and healthier for it in the end. It takes two, and sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. However if you’re both willing to look at apology as an opportunity to get curious and put yourself in someone else’s shoes, with time good things will come out of it.
When receiving an apology, you can choose to either be honest in return. If you feel that you’re unlikely to forgive, let them know why and explain where you want the relationship to go. If you’re struggling with forgiving someone important in your life, then be honest about how you’re struggling with letting it go and explain that you may need some time to understand why it’s hard for you. If someone has shown up open hearted, delivered a sincere apology and was ready to create harmony but you’re still struggling to make amends, it’s on you to figure out the deeper meaning for you.
Finally, learning to forgive is what deconstructs the walls we’ve built to protect ourselves, the ways we become detached emotionally and we’re quick to judge or attack someone else or ourselves. So how can you best forgive and make peace with yourself? This takes time and a commitment to work on it everyday. You may meditate on it, you may seek counsel from a professional, you may have to unload your pain gently out on paper and be patient with it. The important thing is to avoid burying it in your mind and body and learn to get uncomfortable with yourself. Divulge your hurts and allow for imperfection.
It’s exposure at the deepest level when we look at apologizing and accepting to repair what was broken. It takes courage to heal yourself or mend a relationship that you deem worthy of salvaging.
With love
Noelle