What does friendship mean to you? What qualities come to mind when you think of a dear friend? How do your friends show up for you? How do you show up for your friends? Do your friendships feel supportive and expansive? Do they allow you to make mistakes, or do they shun you when you’ve failed? Can you trust them with your soft, raw places? Can they show up for you when you’re ready to celebrate an accomplishment that is a long time in the making?
Listen: we can only have the smallest handful of really close, dear friends. It’s very rare to be able to hold space (and time) for more. What I have learned is that we may only have 1 to 4 really close friendships at once. It takes time, attention and intention to build the trust and strong bonds that deep friendships are made of, and they take real tending and patience to stay healthy. For most of us, while the results are well worth the output, we can’t invest this fully in everyone we know (and like!). It simply wouldn’t be sustainable.
A friend is someone who you can call when things are falling apart, when you just need someone to listen to you. Someone that helps remind you that you are not alone in the world. Henri Nouwen says that a friend who cares deeply, rather than giving advice, solutions or cures, will instead choose “to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
Showing up for a friend doesn’t mean you smile, nod and say, “That sucks!” and then move on. Or avoid them when things aren’t so pretty. Showing up for a friend means being present in the discomfort. It’s easy to show up for someone when they are joyful and abundant with fun stories and lovely tales of travel. But showing up when life is not pretty really represents someone with a solid inner character. Showing up when there is ugliness is real, even if you’re having a hard time. You still find the strength within to show up for someone else that needs it. Even if that means sitting together, with tissues, a bottle of wine and a movie, just sitting. Maybe you choose to sleep over and show your solidarity just by being there. Words aren’t always required. Sometimes things are so desperately raw that all you can do is hold your friend. Or be held by them.
Showing up also means that when you are not feeling full of joy- showing up when its time to celebrate a milestone or major life transition one of your dear friends is travelling through. Sometimes you need to remember that it’s worth taking yourself out of your own experience, to be there for someone else who has found the ability to be there for you in the good and bad.
How do you want to be nurtured in your darkest times? Think of that when someone else is struggling. Meet your dearests where you may also one day want to be met. Or at the very least, try not to cower. Show up, even if it means being silent. Show up even if it means putting aside your own struggles to celebrate someone else’s successes. Showing up is what bonds friends together. It is how we are able to determine if a friend is worth putting the energy into.
How are you showing up for your friends?
with love
Noelle