Recently I was listening to a podcast on which the host is known for being a bit ‘radical’ in her thinking. She pushes boundaries and questions things that most of us have accepted as normal and the way the world works — which is concerning in itself. I like her and I get agitated by her, and that’s why I listen to her. She pushes my comfort, but even when she makes claims that challenge my beliefs and judgements, I make myself listen. I remain in the judgy-ness that is arising for me and try to LISTEN to the information coming my way.
When I feel my eyes roll or my critique building, I know I’m getting in my own way. I know I’m trying to make things more comfortable for myself. I want to align the new information with what I already believe or feel like I should believe. When it doesn’t, I want to turn it off, which is easy enough when listening to a podcast but harder when someone is standing in front of you. To choose to keep listening, to keep an open mind, and to watch the inner battle, I have to push myself into the annoyance. I have to breathe, and then I can make some space for new ideas.
Going with the flow of my discomfort has led me to immense learning and learning to let go of having all the answers. In other situations, like when someone has a voice that irks me, doesn’t make the message wrong, even though my agitation wants to take authority.
Finding flow in our lives isn’t about finding things that align with us or give us comfort. The notion of flow is often confused with making sure that nothing affects us or pushes our buttons.
I think flow is about having the ability to move with what is coming at you — not complaining about the person who brought their dogs to a party or the driver who cut you off. Flow is about how we respond to the things that make us uncomfortable.
For years I lacked flow because I kept thinking I had to work harder, push harder, make people see my perspective, and take on work projects that I knew would exhaust me. I felt like I had to push in order to feel worthy. Flow came when I stopped forcing my beliefs, when I started to trust myself in the discomfort.
It came when I stopped needing things to be my way in order to feel good, whether it was about political opinions, the economy, the environment, sex, raising children, diet, food sources, alcohol, acceptable social behaviours, or education. There are many triggers because we all think differently about the world. We lack open mindedness when we attach our comfort to making sure we lack struggle.
Struggle is the ‘ego’ part of us that wants to have the answers, that wants to be right. When we’re dismissive of perspectives or of ideas that make us uncomfortable, we’re losing flow.
Agitation is our system’s way of saying, “This is making me uncomfortable,” but it doesn’t mean that’s a bad thing. Too many people have become fixated on comfort, and as soon as something challenges us, we want to make it wrong. Think of a kid coming home from school and complaining that their friends aren’t treating them well and a parent jumping in and trying to fix it, trying to take the pain away. What about teaching our kids what to do with discomfort, instead of trying to fix it?
We do that as adults: when a friend says something that rubs us the wrong way, perhaps we don’t contact them for a while. Or if someone tells us they had a bad experience with a business, we decide to not support the business.
The thing is, if it makes me feel awkward, if it makes me scrunch my face up in dislike, it might be something I need to pay attention to. I’m not talking about the creepy guy that brushes up against me, and I know that’s gross and I need to move away. I’m talking about responding to someone who has an idea that differs from mine, and I treat them like the creepy guy.
Finding flow means trusting not having the answers. It means not using triggers as signs of what we need to avoid but as something to explore and examine.
Flow is the state that allows us to be in the moment. We can’t feel ridicule, judgment, agitation, or frustration when we’re in flow. Flow allows us to connect with the rhythms of life that feel spiritual and without confinement. It allows us to perform better, to access success, and to live with more ease.
Noelle Bovon