This is so embarrassing to admit, but I am just not that important.
As a child and an adolescent, I grew up with a single mother who was loving and believed in my two sisters and me. She did an amazing job of being a single mother; she worked hard and supported us three though she struggled to feel loved and supported. She loved us to pieces and believed in us. But she was one woman raising three daughters, and she was lost. We learned how to be stressed, overworked and ungrounded from her. This wasn’t her intention; she was doing her best and it must have been really difficult.
I felt lost in the complexity of childhood and I struggled academically and socially. I didn’t pick up new information easily and I was tested for learning disabilities. I felt like I wasn’t smart and I struggled with feeling worthy in the world.
What is so embarrassing about this is that my insecurity became a defense mechanism. As I developed new skills and grew my education as a young adult, I became certain that I had to be special in order to be relevant in this world. In my work environments I believed I had to be irreplaceable in order to bring value to what I was doing. I begin to think I was important, and that belief lead me into arrogance, entitlement and righteous behaviours.
The fact is, we are all replaceable. Those of us that can come to this understanding learn to tread more gracefully in the world. Through my own audacious behaviour I learned that I wasn’t special at all. I got harsh feedback from my employers and have had a hard time creating positive friendships in my life. It doesn’t mean that I am not valuable or that I can’t make a difference in my work, in my social scene or in my community. But I no longer place such importance on myself. I think that what I bring to the world is irreplaceable: I bring what I want to see more of (love and kindness) instead of righteousness or certainty.
With narcissistic behavior running rampant in our culture it is easy to get caught in the idea that you must be doing something that draws lots of attention in order to be important. My question is, “Why is it necessary to be so important?” Why do you need to be recognized for your efforts, whether it’s from your boss or your partner? Why do you need to be recognized for everything you do? Humility is the acknowledgment that you are replaceable and that there’s nothing special about any of us. We have unique skills and gifts, but when we let our self-importance rule our decisions we get tangled in our desire to be special.
Do you ever believe that you are more special than someone else? Do you feel if you aren’t you are no longer relevant in the world?
Can you relate to any of this? We see this behavior all the time now, whether through the consumption of social media or the need to constantly reach out to people to feel loved. It’s a fine line and we need to cultivate our connections with our friends and families to keep up those relationships, but we should be mindful if we are doing it to fill a (w)hole instead of genuinely wanting to hear how people are doing.
What about this – spend your time being honest with yourself about what you want. Allow people to see you for who you are instead of who you think you should be. Build deep, rich and honest connections with people and let go of being popular and getting likes. In fact, be radically kind and loving to yourself and allow that to grow your sense of self instead of projecting an image of perfection and coolness. Build strength in being kind instead of collecting affirmations from others for your self worth.
We are just people, no one more important than anyone else, no one more special. Just learning to be human in a conflicting world that teaches us that our growth lies in our struggles.
with love
Noelle