Recently I received an email from someone that was struggling. The email was filled with accusations and calculations of what they felt was wrong with me and ended by severing ties in a dramatic and ‘blow up your connection’ kind of way. I didn’t find the email overly triggering, mostly because it was clear that our ability to understand each other was divided by the amount of personal work we had each done to understand ourselves.
The other person was just starting their journey, and it’s not an easy road to this ‘self-awareness’ thing.
Yet, hurling insults at someone when we’re hurt is resemblant of being a child on the playground and feeling frustrated with a person or situation — stomping feet and trying to find ways to insult and attack as a way to deal with the many hard emotions we’re experiencing.
We can easily recall the scene of the playground, but as adults we don’t often realize that we can still behave in similar fashion, the playground just becomes our life.
The act of tossing insults at someone who doesn’t respond to a situation the way we feel they should, is often referred to as immature. We use the phrase ‘act your age’ to minimize someone when they’re responding in a way that feels juvenile to us. We also use phrases like ‘they’re so childish,’ ‘just grow up,’ or ‘that’s so immature’.
One could say that a refined way to describe someone who is struggling to show up in their full emotional potential is to say, ‘he lacks self awareness,’ or ‘she thinks everything is about her,’ or ‘they never take responsibility,’ and so on.
Maturity has a broad spectrum. It indicates someone who is capable of regulating their emotions prior to responding, someone who is capable of calming down and maintaining clear thoughts while speaking. Someone who recognizes blaming others is futile, although making someone accountable is skillful. The ability to take responsibility for our own actions and see our own frailties is a rarity.
The capacity to make amends and repair in ways that help rehabilitate either the relationship or kindly move beyond it without drama requires a depth of inner trust. It also needs us to have the capacity to settle into a kinder way of responding, not in a forceful way but from a genuine state.
Maturity is a steadiness, a knowing that you will make it through whatever happens in your life. After nearly five decades on this planet, I feel like I can understand it in a way I couldn’t ten years ago. I no longer feel reactive like I did in those years, I no longer feel disempowered. There used to be a clawing and gripping for certainty, which is a sign of control rather than wisdom. It’s not that I don’t get triggered or I’m not reactive, but for the most part I can soften and take in the bigger picture before responding.
Maturity is the ability to take yourself out of your own life and see what’s happening around you. To reach out to others and connect in conscious ways, because you’re not just being entertained by your own life show, you’re able to be enticed and engaged with things outside your life.
We can all look back on our lives and see the evolution of our thoughts and understand how we’ve matured because we’re not triggered in the ways we once were. We see how we’ve evolved in our hearts and how time on this earth has taught us. We learn to listen to others.
Evolution requires patience with others. Real evolutions means we don’t feel like our growth makes us superior, but we’re able to accept things as they are. We know when to take action and step towards difficult conversations, but we’re able to do it without creating drama and losing ourselves in the process.
I’ve stopped being resentful of people showing up as they are, because I’ve learned to communicate my needs and take care of myself. I don’t expect anyone else to tend to my needs. I’ve learned that resentment is a sign that I haven’t been listening to myself, not that someone doesn’t care for me.
Maturity isn’t a sign you can hold your shit together or that you’re strong and capable. It’s that over decades of being on this planet, we become more compassionate with ourselves and we’re able to learn and evolve instead of project, attack, and react.
Our society pays so little attention or reverence to our elders, but if you listen to them or watch them, there’s a lot of wisdom held in their soft eyes, in the patience they’ve learned from their own suffering and the maturity they hold. One way to support your own growth is by connecting with those who’ve learned through their own evolution.
love, Noelle