For the last 10 years I’ve owned and run a business and for the decade prior to that I had been in management and leadership roles. Fundamentally, communication is the most important tool and skill I have and one which I continue to grow. I make it a standard to talk about communication with everyone who enters my workspace and I have it detailed on all my agreements.
I’ve gotten better at presenting this important and central philosophy of my business and life because I believe communication creates healthy relationships, and gifts us the tools to move through difficult situations and allows us to grow and evolve.
I sucked at communication when I first moved into the workforce as an adult. I lacked tact and gossiped with others; I acted like a frustrated child when things upset me. This wasn’t working to my advantage and I would end up in conflict with others and myself because I didn’t have the courage or the skill to approach challenging situations. I was scared to be open and honest.
As I began to understand the art of communication, I wondered why it wasn’t taught in school or in our homes. Honestly, I believe it’s not often taught to us at a young age because so many people don’t understand what it means to communicate in healthy and honest ways. This isn’t due to a lack of intelligence but rather a lack of education: most often children don’t witness healthy communication.
Talking about important things is hard. Most of us experience a lump in our throats or chest when we think about discussing a topic that feels important to us. It feels vulnerable and raw. It requires you to be steady with yourself, because being able to communicate about issues doesn’t mean the outcome will be predictable. In my experience, anything can happen. One person might feel relieved and happy to have the opportunity to speak to a situation that’s felt heavy or confusing, while others may get quiet or lash out if they aren’t able to receive and deliver feedback in thoughtful ways.
Choosing to step towards good communication doesn’t mean you’ll be blessed with ease and a lack of conflict, but it does mean you’re willing to have difficult conversations with a goal to make things better. You many need to air struggles and look for solutions or even just find a way to resolve some uncomfortable energy that’s been lingering. I value this skill in others; I value someone who’s able to approach something uncomfortable with a sense of curiosity, someone who’s willing to become unsettled and let go of control in order to seek out some kind of resolution. Sometimes these resolutions profoundly change relationships in unpredictably positive ways, and sometimes relationships become unhinged when one party isn’t able to see the opportunity in coming together.
We dominate someone else’s experience when we do not acknowledge how they feel or when we try to control and manipulate their perspectives or experiences. We become disempowered and lose connection when we can’t hear others and only come at things from our own perspectives.
When I express myself, sometimes I do it cleanly and sometimes I feel sloppy. it takes everything I have to say what I want to share, and when I’m met with no response, a blank stare or defensiveness (or the other person closes or shuts down) I lose trust. If we’re not able to steady ourselves and go into a difficult time with the collective goal of wanting to learn and grow ourselves and our relationship (whether it’s with work, a friend, family or lover), the relationship remains stagnant, unable to grow and hard to nurture.
It’s hard to have difficult conversations. For many of us, it can feel like the most terrifying thing. Although I’d fumble through awkwardness and make mistakes with the hope of creating better relationships rather than spend years avoiding conflict in order to pretend things never have to change, the latter feels numb and is without growth. It’s also an excuse to remain stagnant, blame the other person and pretend there’s nothing to be gained through growth.
I learned a great term from Priya Parker: unhealthy peace. She’s a master facilitator, strategic advisor and author. She’s also spent the last 15 years helping leaders and communities have complicated conversations about community, identity and vision at moments of transition. She talks about unhealthy peace as being conflict averse — meaning that when we avoid conflict, our connections are most threatened. The inability to see, name or engage with the fracture in front of you sends you into avoidant behaviour and creates disconnection.
To have difficult conversations and attempt to resolve conflict, there are a few things that you must be open to:
1. Accepting that you have no control over the response of someone else.
2. Finding a peaceful outcome and being willing to allow for a bumpy road to get there.
3. Allowing each individual’s freedom of expression (both you and the other party).
4. Being willing to take a hard look at yourself, without being too hard on yourself.
5. Getting uncomfortable. Every difficult conversation is like wading into the unknown. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but your willingness to be uncomfortable shows enormous strength.
6. Practicing. Over time you will get more comfortable with being uncomfortable, but we only learn this through fumbling and experience.
We can learn these skills at any point in our lives, and we’ll spend our lives fumbling through this, but eventually we can build stamina and resilience and recognize our ability to grow and evolve is worth it. It’s worth having difficult conversations in relationships that mean a lot to you or impact your daily work or life. Who in your life is worth getting uncomfortable for?
with love, Noelle