Have you ever had this kind of experience? You’re moving through something big and profound, and someone starts to break down the lessons or meaning of these events, or starts taking on the role of spiritual guide without being recruited. Have you ever felt bamboozled by someone’s desire to be the spiritual teacher? Some of us LOVE to be of service, even when we’re not solicited to do so. It’s not uncommon to experience immense personal growth and insight and want to share those things with others. I sometimes find myself doing this exact thing, and I recognize when I do it can be deeply annoying and frustrating.
I believe that many councilors, therapists, alternative or modern medicine practitioners, and spiritual ‘healers’ are often people who have experienced pain and trauma in their lives. They’re drawn to healing, and they find healing through helping others. I think it’s a beautiful way to transform pain and allow the wisdom of those experiences to help tune into the world and allow us to be compassionate. It can be an incredible opportunity to learn and evolve — and be of service to others.
However, many people who are going through transformation (or ‘healers’ whether modern or alternative) can be neglectful of their own healing. I don’t think you have to be a ‘healed’ person to help others; that perspective can be detrimental and contributes to the perfectionism epidemic. I do think that we all need to be mindful of our own selves and be gentle with others. It’s easy to assume we have the answers for someone else. Perhaps lacking the patience to be asked for our help, some of us desperately want to help guide, without taking time to ask if our input is necessary or wanted.
I once dismantled a relationship in my life when a long-time student of mine opened up about a spontaneous injury. Instead of being patient and attentive, I delved into the lessons that could be learned from that experience. It was a major misstep. By trying to show someone the way, I acted like a total ass.
There are other less obvious ways to presume we have the answers for others. I’ve had people ask me questions, possibly directed in a leading way, such as: “Do you think you work so hard in order to fill a need inside of you to be in control? I had another friend that did that for years, and she had a major breakdown, and I can see similarities with you two.” Although sometimes we need a friend to point things out in loving ways, we also have to be mindful of what we’re projecting onto others. In my situation I spent weeks contemplating this and realized that was not my truth. I felt deeply unseen and agitated for the comparison with someone else. I also ate up a great deal of time and energy consumed with the question, again contributing to the fatigue of not being seen.
If you’re in a space of transforming something in your life, or you’re working with others with a healing modality, don’t assume that you have the answers. I love asking interesting questions, but mainly because I’m curious, not because I have the answers. When I’m asking questions from a place of “I think I know what the answer will be,” I’m not being helpful, I’m being judgmental. I’m trying to get the other person to see their ‘faults’ the way I do.
I’ve witnessed spiritual teachers who think it’s their role to tell people what they’re working through in very direct and minimizing ways that assume the person isn’t able to come to that conclusion on their own and in their own time. Often, if you’re on the receiving end of this, it’s not likely you’ll pass on the feedback to that person because you already feel that they won’t listen.
I once had someone ask me if I was seeing a therapist. I thought it was an open-ended exploration and that they were going to ask me my thoughts on therapy. Instead their response was — that’s good! First, if you’re not asking me out of curiosity, then that’s inappropriate. And second, Oooouch! That’s a great way to dissolve trust.
There are six stages of growth that happen during transformation:
- Becoming aware of another way of being. We begin to recognize that there are other ways to experience ourselves and others.
- Researching wellness modalities and reading books on self-growth, exploring practices like yoga, meditation, mindfulness, plant medicine and shamans, and finding teachers that help you open. This stage is the honeymoon stage. It’s exciting and eye-opening, and feels yummy with potential.
- Moving through a period of growth and change. This often feels like a challenging and frustrating period.
- Settling after processing big growth, a time when we just want to sit in peace after the storm.
- Continuing stages two, three, and four throughout our lives. This does not happen at a radical pace, but we have spurts of inner growth. There can be stages in our lives when these opportunities for growth happen back-to-back. Generally, they’re more spread out.
- Choosing to move into studying and then working with some kind of healing modality. In this stage, we have to be very careful, because the ego LOVES this. We can find ourselves behaving in toxic ways by making assumptions about what people want from us, how we should show up for others, and that people are just waiting for our insights on their life. In certain studies of therapeutics, there are very clear boundaries about our roles, both inside and outside of treatment, yet many nonconventional studies don’t have clear expectations.
To answer my initial question; is there a hack to personal growth, nope, you have to go through it, the muck, guck, darkness and storms. Those who’ve come before us, who’ve been on this planet longer – our ‘elders’ or who’ve had more struggles than most, are great resources or support systems. You might be able to avoid some struggles by listening to the wisdom of those you respect. The biggest lessons are always the ones we learn, on our own, through our own struggles. Period.
Throughout our culture, through western medicine to alternative practices, we see where people get caught up in their own knowledge and forget how to remain curious. This is the best advice I’ve ever received is — Don’t assume you know what someone else is going through. Be gentle and supportive and let go of needing to tell them what they need to do.
With love,
Noelle