Have you ever wondered what happens to your single friends, specifically those forty and over? Maybe you find yourself in ‘singleland’ and wonder where on Earth you’ve landed!
People rarely talk about being single over 40. In my experience, most people are nervous to broach the topic. At the very least, when it is discussed it’s about finding a partner, not about dating. I love talking about dating over forty; this has by far been the best time of my life. I don’t crave marriage, and I’m not pulled by reproduction or a desperation to ‘check all the boxes’.
For my friends in relationships, this might be insightful for your relationships with single friends or family members. This is going to reckon with beliefs around dating and the benefits of dating over 40.
I appeal to those who find themselves straddling this experience, those who want to embrace single life but feel the societal disapproval of being single. When I first landed unsteadily in the world of dating, I was uncertain and shaken. At the same time, I felt relieved to have stood up for myself, having recognized how unhealthy my relationship had become. Being single again was an entirely new journey, one that was calling me to find the richness of my life.
Being single was liberating. It was a tender call back to my heart and an invitation to come home and find myself. Initially I was wobbly and ungrounded. I was a different woman than I was in my 20s and 30s, but when I started dating Iregressed to the same behaviours and insecurities that I had during those years.
When I was younger I got swept up in our culture’s prescription for finding a partner, buying a house, having kids and living happily ever after. My happiness never arrived the way I thought it would. I had been shoved deep into a life that kept me small and boxed in and I was suffocating for truth. When I landed back into my truth, (aka claiming my independence) it was a lofty venture into exploring the unknown.
I had no idea what was to come; frankly, if I’d known the growth I was about to embark on, I might have been too fearful to start.
In the beginning of my dating experience, I had a fairy tale experience: I met a kindred spirit online and dove head first into the first healthy and beautiful relationship I’d ever had. The relationship didn’t last. I was heartbroken but in retrospect I understand it wasn’t meant for the long term. My first honest love — including the heartbreak — gave me all the ingredients I needed for finding truth.
Once that ended, I found myself in the ‘real’ dating world. I learned quickly that my unhealthy attachment patterns were going to destroy me if I didn’t do my work. I was gripped with the anxiety of wanting a partner and realizing how scared I was to be ‘alone’. I accepted noncommittal behaviour and allowed myself to be disrespected, pushed beyond my boundaries right past red flags. All because I wanted to feel loved.
Since then, I’ve learned a LOT. Not about other people, but about myself. I’ve learned how easy it was for me to give away my happiness in order to hold onto the idea of love. I was willing to disrespect myself in order to not feel alone. But unlike how I was in my 20s or 30s, I began to feel more grounded and less tolerant of unhealthy behaviour. I saw the ways I gave away my power, the ways I was willing to abandon myself, and the depth of pain that lay in my heart. Through that I healed and repaired my relationship with myself. If I’d known that I would have had to suffer to find myself, there’s no way I would have signed up for that.
We stay hidden in unhealthy relationships to avoid the discomfort of change and to remain in the known instead of venturing into the new. We might remain in a controlling relationship because we feel shame for wanting more or scared that we won’t find what we need in someone else. It can be easier to remain single because we feel like it’s too hard to put ourselves out there or because we have become comfortable doing our own thing. It takes courage to date. I’m not suggesting it’s easy, but it will make you stronger and wiser. If you’re willing you’ll learn a lot about who you are.
My life is much simpler now. I’m not jumping from one ‘potential’ to the next like I did when I was young. I’ve found comfort in the quiet and peace in my loneliness. I’m working through my codependency (an ever-evolving process) allowed for feeling full in my singlehood. I feel empowered and less out of control.
Dating has been an incredible way to meet new people and forge friendships. It’s sad when a relationship doesn’t last long term, but through most of the connections I’ve been able to create beautiful friendships. When we look at dating as means to find the ‘one’ it adds a level of stress that’s exhausting and anxiety inducing.
When you approach dating as a way to meet new people and have good conversations, it is fun. As we age, there’s less tolerance for games and for people not showing up the way we want. I speak my wants out loud, I don’t wait for someone to read my mind. I’m honest and don’t hide myself for fear of not being liked. There’s maturity and honesty. Once I connect with someone, there has to be an ease and flow about the relationship. If I’m having to work hard just to connect, I’ll let it go.
I don’t use dating as a distraction anymore, I use it to create connections. I’m only able to do that now because I don’t need anyone to complete me. I’m whole just as I am, and I genuinely feel that. I’m satisfied and more comfortable in my skin — my body has changed and I feel less self-conscious, a quality that keeps growing with age.
Dating is for the adventurous, those who like meeting new people. It doesn’t have to be a grueling endeavor. The beliefs you have around it manifest your experiences. Enjoy it and support your friends who are doing it. The stories are fun! Stop judging yourself and others in the process as we’re all meant to grow.
p.s There’s still time to Join me for my 21 Day Conscious Manifestation Course, click here for more details.
xo, Noelle