Four years ago I had a radical idea: I would start writing my musings and thoughts in a weekly column. I planned to share my process and curiosities, and maybe someone would find it useful or interesting. I had no formal writing training and was terrified of being judged – what would other people think? Would people make fun of me? Despite mounting fear and self doubt, I decided to begin. My beginnings included editing and writing that was far from what I produce now. However, I started. Despite a lack of experience or skill, I began.
I’m celebrating, even though I get cerebral in my exploration of the past four years in this column, I want to say that I’m so grateful that I choose to start my Mindful Mondays.
My work and writing was a courageous leap that revealed many of my fears and made way for many positive surprises. I’ve been judged and mocked; there are people who don’t find my work interesting or valuable. I’ve been shamed, and people have used my work against me, claiming that I’m not ‘mindful’ when really they just want to prove that I’m imperfect. Which is correct – I’m not perfect, I’m full of faults. In fact, I don’t know anyone who has got this whole human thing figured out.
I’m OK with not being supported, OK with others choosing not to engage with my work. I don’t desire everyone like me or what I do. I feel the irony in the judgments I’ve experienced from people who aren’t putting themselves out there, who would rather attack someone else’s work instead of focusing on what it would mean to follow their inner callings. I accept that part of following my own wild and audacious dreams is that not everyone will see the value in it or understand my motives. If I listened to those who thought I was a fool, then how would I live a life that was my own? I would live a life designed to make other people comfortable.
The flip side is that I’ve made some beautiful connections. I have readers from all over the world, and I’m always surprised when my work is well received. As I fumble through the deep dark forest of my mind and explore ideas and experiences, my goal is to create connection and introduce thoughts that may positively impact someone’s life.
I’m here to improve myself, not to prove myself. I’m here to live the best life I’m capable of living, challenge social norms and experience my own life. I continue to battle the part of me that listens to negative whispers or loud attacks. Yet, if each of us choose to live a life that is in response to what other people think or believe, it would create more dis-ease, distrust, disconnection and lack of purpose.
If I am too scared to put myself out there and follow my aspirations, then I tell the world that other people’s comfort is more important than my dreams.
However, it’s crucial to understand that I don’t take my righteousness too seriously (hopefully), otherwise I could intentionally disrespect others in order to follow my ‘dreams’. When I’m righteous I want to make other people wrong to make myself more right. When I’m committed to proving my point I often hurt others and that creates separation instead of connection, it’s a line that I sometimes precariously balance on.
Finding your truth and living your life is about listening to the deep and quiet callings of your soul, the ones that feel like constant whispers in your psyche. The quiet voices that continue to tug on your shirt are begging to be heard. They are the ones that tell you there’s more to life, the ones that feel scary to move towards, the ones that instigate conflict in your moral compass. These dreams feel so radical and audacious you imagine they are only available to other people. Follow your compass and track it past your discomfort and explore the unknown.
Renowned Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Yung said “beware of unearned wisdom”. Anyone who’s commenting on your life hasn’t lived your experiences and doesn’t have a right to your self respect or the decisions that impact your future. I have to be mindful of this myself, to not overshare my righteous ideas about others. Anyone who tries to tell you that your worth would be diminished by following something that you want should be seriously questioned. Keep company with people who are occasionally willing to call you out on behaviour or reactions that don’t serve you. Even if you don’t end up where you want, along the path you’ll reveal treasures from your experiences that will forever bring insight and wisdom to your life.
If there’s something you’ve been wanting to do, a step however small or large, I think it’s worth trying and maybe failing rather than spending the rest of your life dreaming about a life you didn’t live.
This year has been difficult for all of us. For myself, it’s brought me into the deepest darkest places of my mind, today I feel immense gratitude for starting this journey and I feel light when writing this (which feels rare lately). Thank you for choosing to be a part of it xo.
with love, Noelle