Do mindfulness practices make you better than someone else? The simple answer is no; the more complex answer is that with time and practice you will become a better version of yourself — but that doesn’t make you better than anyone.
There have been, and I’m certain will be more, people in my life who, when frustrated with me, tell me that I’m not mindful and I’m full of BS if I’m not doing or responding the way they would like. This could be based on a mistake I’ve made or that I’m literally not showing up the way they would like me to. Anyone that’s choosing conscious practices and self-work to help evolve as a person will likely be met with this situation at least once in their life.
When someone says you’re not being mindful or your behaviour isn’t ‘conscious’, there is couple of ways to approach your response. First, often when we start to awaken to our unconscious ways of being, we also begin to see the way others may be unconscious in their own lives. I can say for myself that I didn’t behave with grace during those initial years of personal growth. I often believed I could help everyone become a better version of themselves and would bull-doze through boundaries to share my, well…um, ‘insights.’ It was poor behaviour on my part because it was about me rather than the other person. My desire to do good in the world was misguided and misused.
Secondly, maybe there’s something we’re doing that we should look at. Maybe we aren’t aware that the way we’re behaving is negatively affecting someone else. This can happen at any point in our lives — no matter where we are on our ‘consciousness paths.’ We can easily hurt others by our unconscious behaviours or beliefs that we have everything figured out because we’re ‘mindful’; then there’s also miscommunication, which is one of the biggest challenges we have with others.
Being a conscious human doesn’t mean you walk around speaking in a gentle voice, saying “yes” to everyone, acting like you’re a spiritual sage and not causing friction. On the contrary, being an aware human means you’re not a doormat for other people’s desires, opinions and projections. It means that you’ve chosen to look at the rugged terrain of yourself, put on your heavy duty hiking boots and trekked alone into the wilderness through storms and into dark unknown territory to learn more about who you are. It means that you’re learning to build courage, stamina and what it means to know yourself. You begin to take ownership over how you respond in the world and stop projecting your drama outward (see last week’s column for more on projection).
When you’re honest about who you are and what your weaknesses are, you’ll be equipped to have those truthful conversations with yourself. Conflicts will still arise, and you will still meet challenges but you will find ways through the dark places through faith. Every time you encounter a storm and it feels dark, you’re building your education and wisdom. You’ll find your strength builds in the hard times, and the times you feel broken will reveal that they’ve actually just broken you open to more love.
The spiritual teachings aren’t about proving you’re right and someone else is wrong. It means you develop the skills to stand up for what you believe in. It means you act in your life and continue to grow. Remember that growth is an exploration, and it’s not for the faint of heart. You’ll speak up for yourself and for others. You’ll find ways to be of service in the world. You’ll grow your ability to witness your own discomfort and contend with your entitlement.
Over time you’ll equip yourself with self-awareness tools and you’ll start to recognize when you’re not being honest and truthful with yourself. As you refine that skill, you’ll start to recognize it in others, and when you’re told you’re not authentic or mindful enough, you’ll be able to recognize for yourself whether that’s truthful.