Not all that long ago our lives weren’t created over videos, we didn’t have a soundtrack playing, and we weren’t performing reality to make it look like a movie. We understood that movies were fictional tales or biographies told in story and filmed with sound and special effects. We could fantasize about a given character but generally understood the separation between worlds.
We’ve lost that lens on our perspective. We now think fantasy is real.
The capacity to place our lives in video format and add effects has skewed how we think our lives should look. Although that’s a beautiful way to depict one’s life, it’s not real. However, the manufacturing of videos and images for widespread sharing has confused reality.
In my 20s (1997) I made a plan to go on a month-long river expedition in the Yukon. I didn’t do it because advertising had been directed at me, I didn’t get anything in the mail that spurred my decision. I had to seek it out. I contacted a company called NOLS (I must have found their number someplace because we barely had the internet) and they sent me a brochure. To enroll I had to fill out an application and mail it in. It was a lengthy process.
I never posted photos of my trip online, never displayed my adventures for others. I did it because I wanted to, not because of what others would think. It wasn’t about attaining any attention, it was about following my dream.
Today, we feel inclined to put everything online, lending to a narrative of self-involvement. We seem to need to showcase our lives for attention and receive credit for our choices. We want affirmations, we want recognition, we want acknowledgement for what we’re choosing. But why?
It’s nice to receive affirmation when we’re doing something for someone that has a specific set of rules to accomplish to make sure we’ve done it the way they want. When we’re doing something that’s externally motivated, we’re seeking confirmation for following someone else’s ‘rules’ or expectations..
But now we want approval for being friends with someone. We advertise our life as if it’s a show. When someone shares something intimate with us, we want to promote our worthiness for receiving that information. We showcase our achievements to prove our worth.
I’m suspicious of the motivation. Needing approval means we don’t feel worthy, it’s not a measure of success. Every single industry is being affected by this. People are going on plant medicine journeys and posting about deeply personal experiences. For what reason?
Here’s a question: What would you do if no one would ever know what you did? Would you support a friend, go on a dream trip, take a ‘big’ job, or go on a spiritual journey if you couldn’t share it? Make a large donation? Would you stay friends with that one friend who has loads of friends but treats you poorly?
Where do you place your value in the world? Do you contribute without wanting anything in return? Do you need people who don’t know you to be privy to all the beautiful things in your life?
It seems like we’ve created a world of narcissistic people who think they can have anything they want and showcase it to the world. We’ve created a world of self-involved people who are fixated on external approval.
Posting doesn’t make it real. The true reality is one most people won’t bear witness to. It’s how you live your life, how you feel when no one is around, when you can’t distract yourself with devices, people, work, and events.
It’s the small moments, the ones you can’t take pictures of. It’s the way you show up for those in your life that are going through hard times. Do you send a short text and say ‘that sounds awful’ instead of the generic ‘my condolences,’ or do you pick up the phone, bake bread, or wipe their tears?
When things are good, can you simply be in the moments instead of needing everything to be a memory? Can the love/excitement/joy/thrill you feel sustain you without needing to capture it? Can you stay in the small moments instead of moving right on to the next ones?
The quality of our society and relationships will be influenced by those caught in their own self-involved worlds. We’re at risk of forgetting what genuine feels like and believing that fake is OK. It’s up to each of us to step away from the fakeness.
We can create more real life by not fixating on ourselves all the time. We can do things because we want to, not because of how good we think we’ll look to others. These seemingly radical ideas will improve your life and the life of those around you, because you’ll be focused on what’s genuine and all the small moments, instead of trying so hard to be accepted.
With love, Noelle