I was probably around 11 or so when I started to feel immense shame around who I was. As you would imagine as I grew into a teenager, my memories are of being under constant assault by my peers and friends. It may not have been 100{3975b397d65b169f60fde16aa32381cbe23165fba47bc12e3c15bc0cabdca183} a reality of what was happening around me in my social group, but because of my turmoil at home it left me with a constant feeling of being under attack.
In my early 20’s I realized something had to change. I just did not have the mentorship or support to find my way easily to where I am now. I started diving into spirituality when I was about 21-years old, over 20 years ago now. The little book I picked up was The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success by Deepak Chopra. At the time, I wasn’t skilled enough to embody the teachings he offered, however, I found that I was curious and interested in the wisdoms being imparted. This inspired me to find and follow my spiritual path, one that has culminated in diverse trainings, hours spent philosophizing with friends, and a deep dive into the practice of yoga.
We all have our own journeys, and mine was particularly tumultuous. I had a hard time accepting my own reality. I was so fraught with a desire for conflict and drama that I was ravaged by my own mind. It is sad for me to admit, but I was in such a profoundly challenging place that I found myself slipping into depressive states; I felt I would never be happy again. I found myself unhappy, unable to find meaningful work, broke and fumbling in my social connections. Something had to change. That something, it turned out, was me. If I hadn’t made some profound inner changes I’m certain I would not be here doing what I am today.
The spiritual work was, by far, the most effective work I have done in my life. I have had many great opportunities to be guided by mentors or colleagues, opportunities to step up and prove myself capable of inner growth. I have had some profound learning coupled with heavy constructive feedback that made me realize that the way I’d been behaving, starting almost 20 years ago, wasn’t well received by others. I started on a journey of self-awareness, forcing myself to pay attention to the way I behaved in the world.
But the most profound change came with my inner spiritual practice. It was multi-layered, as all journeys are, but essentially I started to do the work I needed to do. To show up over and over again. It felt beautiful at first, but then got pretty rugged, as it always does when we stick with it. The inner journey isn’t a constant unraveling into more blissful states; the inner journey is a consistent unraveling of the sinew of our beings. It is pulling apart our thought patterns, our way of being, in order to rebuild. That pulling apart comes with a lot of resistance to change, with inner battles and the potential loss of friends as we make big changes in our lives. It is profound, and as many of you know, far from easy.
But here is the thing: because I had become so disturbed by my own inner world, the only way I was not going to sink into darker and darker places was to radically shift my own reality.
Yoga, meditation, self growth books, friends, a deeper commitment to trusting myself and a choice to lean into the challenges have made me who I am. Too many people avoid conflict, but our inner conflicts need reckoning – especially if we want to make BIG changes in our inner and outer worlds.
Once you choose to make those shifts, do the work, dive into conflicts with yourself and not be scared to have difficult conversations with others, you will build a solid foundation that will carry you through your biggest goals and dreams. You will have more power to make change in the world, and you will have more strength to feel grounded when your world is falling apart. You will care less about the small stuff. You will no longer move through life caring about what others think of you. You will have the courage to do the things you have dreamed of. You will be the change in the world that you want to see, and others will follow you. Because you have released the bullshit of who you were and because you travel with a fierce gentleness, you will be easy to follow.
After all these years of work, I can tell you I am so grateful I spent all those years in the trenches, excavating my own garbage so that I could feel more free, more loving, more gentle and less attached to outcomes then I could ever imagine I would be. That is what brings me happiness. It is the freedom from my old limits, from my old self that was bound in pain. My new self is light, happy and always evolving.
I wish you a life of constant evolution. I hope you become a seeker, so that you can feel an inner kindness unmatched by anything you have ever felt before.
with love
Noelle
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