When my father passed away, I was devastated. My whole world had been shaken and my grief felt insurmountable. At times I thought I would never feel happy again, that pain was a new normal and sadness would consume my life. Everyone kept reminding me that ‘time will help’. Although this is true, when we are broken-hearted and grieving, when we are smothered in anxiety or in any emotion that feels like it is swallowing us up, hearing how it will feel isn’t helpful.
Last week I wrote about what it takes to be emotionally available and this piece plays off of that article. When we are emotionally available it profoundly helps us support someone who is going through a difficult time. Showing up and being present with someone who is going through something (likely something that you wouldn’t want to be going through yourself) takes courage. Being emotionally available means we must be empathic instead of disconnected from their emotions. The very definition of empathy is “to understand and share the feelings of others” {according to the Oxford dictionary}. When we are unable to be present in someone else’s pain, we dismantle our ability to be supportive. Our discomfort with the emotion makes us not want to open up. In order to protect ourselves from opening up, we often offer advice instead of allowing their painful emotions to be present.
What I have noticed about friends who find others’ pain to be too much is that they distract from engaging with those who are struggling. They physically avoid them as they are too scared to feel the unimaginable pain. They might send texts or emails laced with words of support but don’t physically show up – meaning they might offer vague and unsupportive verbal support, such as ‘I am here if you need anything’. But someone who is struggling is likely feeling really alone, and when we are feeling alone it can be hard to reach out for ‘anything’… and what exactly does ‘anything’ mean? If you are in the midst of a dark time, you likely don’t know what you need. It can be confusing and challenging to even support yourself.
I recommend that you avoid sending messages that aren’t backed with action. As someone who has received those, they feel bland and ingenuine. Instead, find ways to be supportive and take action. Instead of sending a text that says, ‘I hope you are OK’. Lovingly make someone food and drop it off. Be ready to walk into their place and just sit and hold them if that is what they need, or leave if they seem to want to be alone. Mow their lawn, clean their house, help with groceries, pick up their kids from school or help them with managing administrative tasks. It’s brave to show up for someone, it shows you are OK with being uncomfortable and they may feel like they can share with you their struggles.
If you have had conflict with the person who is struggling (and you want to reach out), put aside the conflict. Show them how much you care by supporting them instead of remaining in the story of the conflict.
Be vulnerable in your communication. Instead of sending messages that say ‘I hope you are OK’ (which essentially says, ‘I don’t want to hear how you are doing I just want you to think I care’), say something like ‘this sucks, I am sorry you are in this, can I come by?’. You don’t have to have all the answers, and it is often better if you don’t. Your job isn’t to fix them but to allow them to go through the pain, not judge or decide what emotions they should be feeling or what is best for them in any way.
Support means you are willing to allow someone to work through their mess. It means you still love them even when they are unable to communicate with love and are not the best versions of themselves. You can be there for someone in small or big ways: just find ways to be there, even if it means picking up the phone and allowing them to fall apart. And listen – simply listen. Whatever you do, don’t assume they won’t need support months or even years down the line. Whatever someone is going through will take time to heal and soften from, so honour their process by allowing them the time it takes.
With love
Noelle