From what I witness, humans have a strong need for certainty. Generally, we want to know what’s coming, and we want to have control. In order to have control, we need to know that things will come to fruition based on the way we have them mapped out in our minds. When that happens, we feel delight, satisfaction and mastery over our plan. It feels like we are in control of ourselves and our inner and outer environments, and goodness, that does feel great. Everything is moving predictably and as it should.
When my life feels easy, everything is going as planned and I alone get to make my decisions. It is rewarding just to live in that flow. However, when something finally breaks the flow, and I am no longer the decision maker, I can get immediately frustrated and manufacture a story about why I have lost control and how that is wrong.
Over the past decade, I have become more curious about this need for control in myself and others. I’ve watched the controlling tendencies of those around me, and I have witnessed my own need for control as it ebbs and flows over the years. We become more of what we place our attention on. We become more of that part of ourselves as we age because we continue to reinforce that behavior within ourselves.
The thing is that when we need to control in such a (perhaps) compulsive manner, we decrease our potential for new experiences. We begin to make our world smaller and inaccessible to others. We’ll hold so tightly that we no longer enjoy our day to day life, because opening ourselves up to enjoyment means embracing uncertainty and new experiences. We move forward with caution, so that nothing, or almost nothing, will disrupt our well-organized sense of control. It starts to become confining, and we have less opportunity for any kind intimacy because intimacy requires letting go. We lack ease and openness. We lack the ability to go with the flow.
If we are letting our controlling mind rule our experience, when something happens over which we have no control and we feel surprised by the situation, this presents an opportunity to exercise even more control. We may do that by removing choices – for response or action – from ourselves or those around us. We may choose to decrease our exposure to unexpected or unpredictable outcomes. We may stop being able to cope altogether, throwing our hands up in rage or disengaging completely to avoid facing the knowledge that we can’t ever be in charge of every possible thing in our lives.
If you want to create space for new experiences, you need to lean into the universe and trust something greater than you will have your best interests in mind. Plan and know what you’d like to experience but allow that the plan may not go as you hope. Detours, unexpected roads and stops along the way are what make your life richer and more colourful. See what happens to your body when you stop holding the steering wheel of your life so tightly. You’ll notice that you open up: your jaw softens, your lips become more supple and your eyes open wider. Curiosity takes over need. You begin to dance in the duality within, appreciating the difference between the part of you that wants certainty and the part that is willing to see the magic that lies ahead.
My daughter often asks for magic, and I explain to her that magic comes in those moments of the unexpected, when something special happens you haven’t planned for. She doesn’t really get it, because she wants to fly, and it’s hard to explain that magic is not about flying, but allowing for the things you can’t explain.
There is ease in allowing for the things you can’t explain or haven’t planned. Some call the unexplained magic, some call it the divine, others call it God and there are those who refer to it as luck. It doesn’t matter what you want to call it. What matters is the space you give yourself from a desire to control, from a desired outcome. If you just let the reins go a little, just a little, and allow for new experiences, unexpected conversations, or the possibility of saying yes to something you never imagined saying yes to, there is magic to be found. Especially in the moments you are unable to explain.
It is not a decision you make to suddenly find yourself free of your desire to control. It is the moments that you can stop, catch yourself and release a little tension from your body. The moments you exhale deeply enough to feel your body soften.
In that moment you will find something shift within you that is nothing you could have imagined before.
May we all find the power within to let go, just a little, today.
with love
Noelle