In the early 2000’s, I was working in the U.S., leading wilderness expeditions. The average trip was a month and I would do a lot of driving from mountains to rivers, depending on where I was working. It feels like a lifetime ago; cell phones were only used for making phone calls, and even that was expensive. There was no social media and the best way to connect with my friends and family was email. I spent a lot of time with my thoughts and my CD player. There wasn’t much to distract me when I wasn’t working. I often found myself lost in fantasies about the future as a method to disconnect from feeling difficult emotions. I developed this skill, and used it all the time.
I imagine most of us spend a lot of time trying to avoid the feelings that are buried in our bodies, the emotions that feel overwhelming. We skillfully develop tactics to avoid ourselves. It could be keeping busy so there are no free moments – a life built on linked together moments of the ‘next thing’. Or moving from one major life or work event to another. It could be the desire to be involved in other people’s lives and dramas.
We all mislead ourselves, and I was skillful at distracting myself from myself. As long as I didn’t look into the dark cupboard of my soul, I didn’t have to deal. I understood the moment I acknowledged a feeling or emotion, it could no longer be ‘unseen’. This is the reason we develop the skill of not bearing witness to ourselves. It keeps us blameless. We get to imagine there are greater forces creating the essence of our lives. There are things that really are out of our control, but ultimately it’s how we respond to the world that creates our reality.
My distractions were clever. My ego, the part of me that thrives on controlling and manipulating, was intact and it rewarded my performance. I had learned that keeping busy was a brilliant way of using my ego to distract from my emotions. I developed the habit of looking for problems; that way, I could fixate on picking apart others and absorbing myself in drama. The more I did that, the more powerful I felt.
The spiritual teacher Michael Beckwith has a beautiful acronym for the ego: Edging God Out (or Edging Good Out). I find this beautiful because it keeps us rooted in awareness. If our behaviors are entrenched in control, of ourselves or others, we are being lead by our egos. The ego is the part of us that caters to what other people think, and distracting ourselves in the outer world instead of connecting to our inner world.
We become attached to our personas. We are skilled at presenting the sides of ourselves that we feel will be valued. It’s feels good to receive positive feedback. It’s seductive; we can spend our lives filling up with outside approval. However, when you’re quiet and alone, how do you fill yourself up?
I wanted to be viewed as strong and capable, and my career allowed that persona to be in command. I didn’t want to face my pain, heart aches or trauma. Constructing a life built on accomplishments gave me permission to avoid my feelings.
When I first met myself, slowed down and looked into my eyes, it was shocking. I could only let the rays of my truth shine in on occasion. I had to unpack the shame I had been hiding from, the feeling of worthlessness that had been overriding any peace. I had to look at how my anxiety, which was percolating regularly, had developed. I was too scared to admit what wasn’t serving me.
It will take a long time to be vulnerable enough to see through your own veils. Maybe you don’t want to. There’s nothing in this life that says you need to; our society has constructed a world that values outside successes over inner peace. We use consumerism to distract from being present with ourselves and our loved ones.
I had to face what I was feeling. Because of the mayhem I had created around me, it took years. But now, I can sit quietly in my body, with all my emotions. I still get uncomfortable; however, now I have the skill to sit in it. I still distract myself from myself, but I’m doing it with awareness. I can even mock or playfully tease myself when I’m doing it.
If you’re moving down the path of meeting yourself, please be gentle and kind. Your tender soul needs that for you. I believe it’s a lifelong journey, one that constantly evolves. Patience is required. Find people who support you. If you are just beginning, be humane with yourself and others. It’s a long path, and time will expose your truths as you develop the skill to understand and except them.
With love
Noelle