I’ve had a wee bit of insight recently about rejection. I’m beginning to understand how intoxicating it can be, and not just for myself. Personally, I find it a temptress of great order, and I will sabotage my sense of well-being in order to experience the feeling of having to chase for acceptance, meaning wanting to be accepted for being me. I will chase after a relationship that isn’t healthy for me because I like the feeling of working hard to receive approval. I’ve tripped over myself to try to prove to someone who has rejected me that I am worthy of their attention. Why on Earth would I do that? If they rejected me they obviously weren’t meant for me, yet for some reason I can’t help but chase them. Rejection-response initiates a response similar to addiction – we want more of what isn’t serving us and we lose our clarity of mind by chasing a something that leaves us feeling dejected.
I’ve watched in horror as I moved towards a man that doesn’t serve me, yet I’m unable to stop myself from indulging in the misery that a bad relationship brings.
We can do it by being disciplined with how we treat our bodies through food and exercise. Either we deprive or overindulge in food. Or maybe we’re obsessed with exercise, using it to keep ourselves from being still and feeling the emotions that are stirring. We control our inner experiences in order to not feel the pain and we do this by over indulging or avoiding the following: exercise, food, relationships, drama, work etc to cover up or numb feelings. We reject our feelings and emotions in order to dissociate from what’s really going on. The slogan, “There’s no gain without pain”, for exercise, seems to have been enveloped by the part of ourselves that doesn’t feel worthy.
Rejection can bring up our confrontational sides, the one that wants to fight and be right. If our partner happens to reject an idea we have, it can prompt us to be aggressive with our words. It can also toss us into a fitful inner narrative about how they are wrong and we are right.
It can dismantle our sense of well-being and shape us into unrecognizable versions of ourselves, the versions that are ravaged by self-hate and unworthiness. The shame that arises from being rejected seems to give us permission to be even more critical of our own behavior, which then propels us into rejecting ourselves.
There are things that are derived from being in pain: It can make us feel alive. It can feel addictive. It can make us feel normal, especially if the pain is associated with something we learned in childhood. For example, if we were taught that love is not unconditional, if it is something we had to work for or we weren’t shown healthy ways to express it as a child, it can feel habitual and easy to repeat those patterns as adults. Because, that’s how we’ve learned to love, so learning to navigate those experiences as adults that are deeply unconscious and conditioned into us can be very challenging. We know the pain as reality, and we will often try to replicate that in any way we can, because that is what we were taught.
I find it curious how we can be drawn to this feeling like a moth to a flame: we know we will likely get burned, but we can’t seem to stop moving towards it.
What’s the antidote to rejection? I am guessing that it has to do with being kind with ourselves. To avoid the temptation to move towards something that doesn’t feel good. To not assume we know what’s best for others but to listen deeply to our own inner knowing that guides us towards our own truths and away from shame. I also know that having a community of support is so important. One that includes a counselor, therapist or coach to help us see our patterns that are no longer serving us.
I feel like it takes time to slow down and to choose not to respond. We need time to unpack our behaviors and be patient with our own learning.
We all have so much to learn in this lifetime, and most of the big work comes in attempting to understand ourselves.
With love,
Noelle
I share my meditations and talks on my Facebook & Instagram page, however, Instagram & YouTube seem to be the easiest place for uploading. If you can, subscribe to my IG page @bovonnoelle to get regular mindful offerings. I am also uploading content to my YouTube page.
Share this by clicking HERE and copy and paste to any platform or email you would like to share to.