Showing Up – I often use this phrase to describe my relationship to someone or to my commitments. I use it to ask myself if I’m willing to show up for them or keep my promises. I also use it to describe how others show up for me, or make good on their promises to me.
Most of us lead busy lives but lately, some may have had to slow down while others may have had to amp up their workload and family commitments. However, many of us are tempted to focus solely on our own lives and needs – I’m guilty of this. We see how busy we are, how much we have going on, all the things that pull us in different directions and all the distractions; for many of us, we still focus on our dreams and goals for the future. The downside of being self-involved in our own experiences, emotional states and commitments is that we’re often unable to see anyone else. We forget or rarely check in with people because our self-involvement gives us the illusion that we don’t need to pay attention to the world outside and we begin to lose empathy and consideration for others.
When all we see is our own stories and how other people contribute or take away from them, we don’t actually see anyone else. We see only how they serve us and how they become involved in our own struggles and cravings.
I am becoming honest with myself about how my own disconnection from my friends and family grew in my self-focused world. I lost connection, and this is hard to admit because being of service to others is what moves me in this world. Yet, when I get lost and lose deep connections to the people around me I feel alone and have a hard time taking responsibility for it.
Friendship should be the foundation of all our relationships, whether they are with family, friends, colleagues or life partners. Meaningful friendship is what gives us purpose, it’s what creates connection and community in our lives. Friendships teach us so much about ourselves, if we’re willing to look. It’s the way we show up for each other that impacts our lives in positive ways and lights up the lives of others.
Showing up can look like:
- Making a plan with someone and following through with it
- Having honest conversations, even when they’re difficult
- Making time for someone in need, even when you don’t want to or feel vulnerable
- Being honest with ourselves
- Communicating clearly
- Picking up the phone
- Putting aside your own judgements and asking yourself how you can help
- Being consistent
- Finding other ways to show up for someone when you can’t show up in person
- Not manipulating others by attempting to control their choices, behaviors, perspectives, time or commitments
- Being vulnerable – which means not having control and being open to discomfort.
I was too busy thinking about myself and my own stories (that feed my limiting beliefs) to notice what was being done for me. This is hard to admit. Today I make it a priority to see how I’m being supported and I regularly ask myself how can I be a better friend or how can I show up for someone even if I’m limited on time.
I’m not a doormat. I don’t feel called to please others. I have clear boundaries and I sustain my personal boundaries and manage my time so I’m not consistently depleted. But that doesn’t mean that I’ve had to change my perspective and be selective with my time so that I can show up for others.
By not seeing what others are giving to us or how they show up for us (because we’re overly involved in our own stories or our stories) means we lose the gifts of being human, of engaging, co-creating relationships and lack the ability to truly empathize.
Notice how generous the people around you have been and watch for any inner dialogue that states you’re alone and never have help. Be mindful of any language you come up with that satisfies the story that you’re too busy to give to others. As always, be gentle with your self-talk, and open to seeing things from a new perspective.
What does showing up mean to you?
with love
Noelle