I get it, we’ve all been living in massive discomfort for 20 months. It might seem audacious to think it’s worth it, but I believe discomfort is the magic that can bring ease, joy, beautiful interactions and opportunities to our lives. Let me explain how.
Not everyone was living in regular discomfort prior to March 2020. Everyone’s been challenged in different ways, but if you’ve spent the last 20 months attempting to avoid uncomfortable emotions this time might have felt overwhelming, even in the quiet moments.
Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable makes us more resilient, open, curious and creative. If you tend to want to control everything around you (we can all have tendencies towards extremes – at points), manage how others respond or make sure you manage all risks, discomfort may be a challenging prospect. Alternatively, if you tend to avoid any conflict, don’t often speak your mind, avoid going after what you want and think other people are more resilient than you it may also feel like a grandiose idea.
We don’t get uncomfortable doing things we’re good at. But when we’re willing to try new things, imagine and act on our dreams, have difficult conversations, put ourselves out there socially, connect deeply with our partners, be open to our imperfections and have honest conversations with those we love. Most of us set up our lives to be as comfortable and familiar as possible, and avoid discomfort more and more as we age.
Some seem to be more willing to get uncomfortable than others, but it’s a learned skill. Perhaps your caregiver taught you how to manage for yourself by putting you in new and challenging situations. But if your parent/s managed every little detail and interaction so you’d avoid disappointment or rejection, you might feel overwhelmed by challenging experiences. There are endless experiences outside of the two I’ve given, for simplification I’ve given these examples
If you fall into the latter category (or closer to it), it may take a little more time to develop the emotional ability to put yourself into new situations and stop relying on others to make decisions for you.
I’ve been putting myself in new situations that were outside of the ‘norm’ since I was in grade nine. It may be because I moved around a lot or because I was exceptionally curious. Regardless I often did things that were new and interesting. I became a guide leading month-long expeditions on rivers and mountains, all over North America and I hadn’t known anyone else living that kind of life before I started going towards it. I began writing this column without any professional training or anyone who told me I could do it. I did it because I wanted to. Think about your own life and all the times you’ve put yourself out there in unexpected ways.
So what can we do when we learn how to get uncomfortable? The most beneficial thing in my life, one thousand percent, is that I’ve developed the skill to be gentle with my limiting beliefs. I can hold them and know they’re not going anywhere and that they require tenderness. This had allowed me to grow and evolve beyond my wildest dreams.
One example is having uncomfortable conversations with my daughter, specifically on topics that I don’t have any history navigating. We talk about sex, and she will point to her body when she’s describing things she’s processing or trying to understand. I have moments of wondering if this is a good idea or if I’m doing it ‘right’, but as any parent knows we’re all fumbling through this parenting thing.
Regardless, I still venture into those territories with her. Sex and my body were something I knew to be confusing places — I learned about them through unspoken energy or verbal reactions around me. I couldn’t be open and vulnerable, my parents were never naked around me, and I recall a lot of shame and hushed voices around sex, sexuality and my body. The messages I received about sexuality had nothing to do with sex, as women’s sexuality has often been used to keep women small and burdened with insecurities.
I hope my daughter feels authority over her body and connection to her sexuality in ways I wasn’t able to experience as a girl and as a young woman. I would never be able to explore these kinds of conversations with confidence if I hadn’t sat in my discomfort and learned how to honour that at the very same time as doing the thing that feels so awkward.
Is there anything in your life, a conversation, a relationship, a career, a move, a creative project, that you haven’t done because it makes you feel uncomfortable? Is that discomfort worth holding you back from being who you are? From living the life you daydream about? I think there’s a world to be explored, even in the smallest ways, and we are often the only ones holding ourselves back.
With love
Noelle