I’m sitting by the beach, listening to two women talk non-stop about all the pain they’re witnessing in the lives of those around them, evaluating why that is and what others should be doing — believing they have the answers for other people’s lives. Yet I can’t be too critical, as I’ve done the same thing. This is not an uncommon way to socialize, but is it kind? When was the last time you sat down beside two people having a conversation and heard them talking about all their own drama, detailing their own struggles, addressing how they’re working on their own healing? When was the last time you had that type of conversation?
We heal and learn at our own pace; perhaps it is because we need to digest more gently and find ways to make peace with our experiences before being able to take in our lessons and move into a healing space. Making peace with our past helps us be gentle with others. We’ve all felt unseen, unheard, or uncared for. We heal to remember that everyone is having their own experience, and maybe we can give others grace and understand that they’re on their own journey, one that looks and feels very different from our own.
We heal so that we can get over our judgment of others, so that we can see someone behaving undesirably but not feel the need to comment or judge, so that we can be clear and kind with our communication. Perhaps we can find it easy to love them, even in their struggle.
We have to prioritize our own healing so we can stop making others responsible for our pain. We must tend to ourselves so that when we’re triggered we learn to recognize that it might not be a problem outside of us. This doesn’t mean we allow people to treat us poorly or understand the ways we need to manage our own boundaries. So often when we react or feel triggered, we make it about someone else when most often it is about us; what we’re feeling is about us and our desire to cast blame could be coming from our own fear or pain.
Our pain is meant to be felt, but many of us didn’t learn how to feel if we were told our feelings were too much, or we were ignored, yelled at, or shamed. So, our pain ends up being something that we carry with us, and we come to believe it’s who we are, that it’s part of us. The scars of those wounds are tender; they’re sore, red, and scabbed. When we’re in any relationship with others they get picked at, and they fester. This isn’t done intentionally by others, this is our own system’s reaction to unattended wounds.
When we aren’t aware of our unhealed wounds, our pain collides with other people’s pain and creates an ooy gooey mess. When that happens, it can be hard to untangle who is carrying what bacteria and how to fight it. The conflict goes unresolved, as neither person has the capacity to see themselves, let alone the other person.
Someone who has done a lot of self-healing is often more comfortable with who they are and conscious about how they show up for themselves and others. Sometimes an unhealed wound is threatened by a healed wound. Sometimes someone who is carrying the antibodies of healing feels like a threat, as though their system needs to protect against it simply because it’s unfamiliar to the parts o that have been so deeply wounded and untended.
Pain disguises itself wisely, especially if it’s deep, old and unhealed. It will often seek divisiveness instead of connection, it will search for struggle, and it will want proof that it is valid. It creates more pain in order to validate itself because it’s so desperate to be felt. This can show up as judgment and impatience for ourselves and others. It can also create conflict; unhealed pain wants attention, it craves to be seen, and if we’re not able to find ways to heal it (because we can’t do that kind of healing on our own) it creates issues with others.
There requires a willingness to get uncomfortable in this process, so if getting uncomfortable is a challenge for you, this could be a good place to investigate. What is it about getting uncomfortable that feels scary, what are you worried will happen if you choose to move past your comfort zone? For most of us we fear not being able to handle what we find, but guaranteed, the pain that is being caused by avoiding it is profoundly more toxic than the experience of it. Health comes from allowing ourselves to bathe in it, sit with it, hold it, nurture it, have someone else help hold it, and when we do that we have the potential to heal.
There’s a part of me that knows that if I look and see what I’m holding on to, the thing that creates pain in my system, the habit of holding on, that once I’ve seen it I will realize the relief I will feel once I release it. I will have to let go of the addiction I have to holding it. That the holding that I’m doing is what is causing me turmoil, and in letting it go I will have to release the wars that I’m waging inside to hold on.
All the energy I’m using to maintain that struggle will have to go someplace, and on an unconscious level that is scary. How will I transform all that strength? What will become of it and should I release it?
Once I have to look at those in my past that held me hostage for my mistakes and missteps, what will happen to the memories from the past, those known in my consciousness and the unknown ones. I will have to start to mend an entire lifeline of hurt, and I will need help, someone to help me see and guide me in letting go. This is something that simply can’t happen on our own, no matter how wise and skilful we think we are. Bravery is finding the strength within us to allow someone to support us in the process, to be vulnerable to being seen in all of ourselves.
I don’t have the answers, but I have experienced relief from releasing. Although peace is something I feel most days now, I still get triggered, I still want to battle with myself and others, but I create far less drama and I let go of people early enough in my personal life and work in a way that isn’t dismissive but allows me to cut ties before things get too messy and destructive.
Healing doesn’t give us any life credits; we don’t get our names on billboards. It’s something that allows us to make our own peace more sacred over holding reverence for our suffering.
With love, Noelle