Why do we struggle? Because if it was easy, what would we learn in our lifetime? I don’t intend to simplify or discount the enormity of some of the challenges we will face in our lifetimes, but I fundamentally believe that if we don’t use this life as an opportunity to grow and evolve we lose the purpose of being here in human form. Our purpose is to evolve. Evolution happens when we get uncomfortable and when we are challenged. This includes the life experience and maturity that we gain from learning to pick ourselves up after we’ve fallen.
We struggle because we constantly give our power away. We do this in many different ways, and each of us has our own idiosyncratic attachment to giving away power. Here are different ways it happens:
When we place the decision-making in other people’s hands. We allow people to treat us badly when we don’t feel strong enough to say ‘no’. We may do it for financial gain, at work or in our relationships. It happens when we make choices that that deplete us.
When we compete with others. I suspect most of us are constantly comparing our own experiences to what someone else is doing, judging our lives on the successes of others or basing our own success against others’ misfortunes. This is absolutely insanity-making and leaves us feeling like we aren’t good enough. Once we sink into the ‘not good enough’ dialogue it is a direct line to struggle.
When we don’t appreciate what we have.
When we have forgotten how to prioritize community. When we focus on what we don’t have, we fall into comparison. Once we are in that mindset we lose our ability to create communion with others because we feel threatened. This can be as simple as not feeling as popular as we perceive someone else to be.
When we become obsessed with our expectations of others. When we want others to behave in a certain way we have little tolerance when they show up as who they are.
When we obsessively try to fit in by adopting our friends’ opinions, ideas, colloquialisms, clothing styles, dreams, desires to travel, etc. Essentially, this is doing things to be liked instead of experiencing genuine expression.
When we are addicted to drama. Some of us can develop an attachment to struggle. These may be struggles with others, although some of us become obsessed with our own inner struggles and allow them to take over our whole world.
When we struggle we lose our connection to feeling at peace. Here are six different practices that can help you avoid the pain that struggle brings:
Celebrate other people’s successes. This is our medicine, and it is deep work for a lot of us. When we celebrate someone who has achieved something we covet (or something that seems beyond what we are capable of), we will feel joyful and can avoid sinking into the toxic practice of comparison.
Have a solid gratitude practice. Be thankful for the hot water from our taps, the food in our cupboards, the vehicles that chauffeurs us around our lives, the clothing we own and the love that exists in our homes and from our friends. Most of us focus so much on what we want that we forget how amazing our lives are. Notice how abundant your life is.
Be patient with others and allow people to live their own lives.
Avoid the desire to control outcomes in your life and others.
Develop clear boundaries. Find ways to maintain your integrity and learn what feels good to you and what doesn’t. Use that understanding to build your boundaries.
Be true to yourself: wear what you want, do what feels good for you, and have your own opinions. Honour your individuality and avoid conformity.
These are different ways to practice feeling ‘good’ and to help you navigate away from feeling unworthy. It is a practice, which means that it takes time. It takes commitment to pick yourself up when you don’t show up in the way you want to. Always practice being kind to yourself and allow yourself to be imperfect. Experiment with yourself. Try on new ways of thinking and being. See how you can change and see who you can become when you give yourself permission to see things differently.
With love
Noelle