I want to remind each of us that we’re all allowed to be unique individuals. We have the right to opinions that vary from those in our communities and families. A number of people have told me that they are scared to share opinions that vary from the collective dialogue because they feel it’s a recipe for being shamed or judged.
We can forget we’re not meant to see the world the same way everyone else does. What makes our lives diverse, interesting and enjoyable is the variety of ideas, thoughts and creative interpretations within them.
We don’t live in a dictatorship – this is important to remember. The need to control others’ thoughts and views is in contrast with living in a tolerant society. Tolerance means we are willing to accept someone else’s beliefs without belittling or shaming them for their ideals. We need to get comfortable with the discomfort that arises when someone’s opinions and ideals contrast our own.
If you want to have the freedom to be you and allow for your own way of thinking you have to grant others the same opportunities.
When I share thoughts with friends, I start slowly to see if they will be open minded. I’ve had friends shut me down immediately when I suggest a point of view that is in contrast with theirs, immediately dismissing me and my ideas. What that teaches me about our friendship is that I’m only allowed to have opinions that match theirs; this automatically informs me that they’re not a safe person for me. Most of us self-monitor around people: we edit our views and words to accommodate viewpoints so as not to compromise relationships.
I’ve been an absolute jerk to my friends and family, dismissing their views and opinions and pushing my theories on them. Acting aghast when they have a viewpoint different from mine. Here’s what I’ve learned from my own behaviour: when I feel entitled, feisty or hard, or when I notice myself crossing my arms, rolling my eyes or clenching my face/eyes/jaw, I’ve lost perspective. I’m moving from a defensive, judgemental or reactive place and I’ve closed off my ability to have perspective and hear different views. It makes it nearly impossible to build relationships when I behave that way.
It’s really hurtful when I say something that’s important to me and someone tries to make me wrong for believing in something different. When I do that to my own friends and family I close off relationships. That behaviour breaks trust and eradicates intimacy.
Here’s an example: let’s say my 8-year old daughter tells me she wants to have a boyfriend so she can kiss a boy. What do you think it will do to our relationship if I fly off the handle and tell her “she needs to wait for that”, “she’s too young”, or “over my dead body will I allow a boy near her”? She’ll feel like she isn’t able to share with me. She won’t feel safe talking to me about important decisions. If I want to cultivate a relationship built on openness and trust, I need to be curious and open minded instead of reactive. A response that will help build our relationship would be: “That’s interesting, do you have anyone in mind?”, “What do you think kissing a boy will feel like?” or “What is it about kissing a boy that is most interesting to you?” You see where I’m going? These responses diminish the reactivity in me. They allow me to remain open and nonjudgemental. They allow me to support her so she doesn’t feel like she needs to hide things from me.
Just like I was saying, we will hide parts of ourselves from people we feel judged by.
We’re imperfect, but we do this work so that in challenging times we can be receptive to our own growth and observant of the ways we are closed and self protective. You don’t have to compromise your own values in order to listen to someone else’s perspective. What you may gain by being curious is the ability to better inform your own knowledge base. Phil Good says, “If you use divisiveness to free yourself, you will never be free”. We create connection and find solutions by being open, not by being closed and reactive. We also need to be respectful, and yes there are times when we have to stand up for ourselves and others. Yet if we are always on the defensive, we lack perspective and we close off relationships.
I’m constantly growing and evolving. I make mistakes, but I try to open my mind and learn from my mis-steps to grow as a human.
How can you be more open minded? What are the ways you’re trying to control the opinions, ideals or actions of others? How are you able to support different viewpoints? Which ways do you do this well? If we’re humble enough to witness our mistakes and caring enough to recognize our strengths, we will support this world as we lift ourselves up.
With love
Noelle
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