We’d like to believe that we do. Why would we have the people in our lives that we do if we didn’t?
There’s one simple question I now ask myself about my relationships, whether they are with friends, acquaintances, family or intimate relationships “Do they want for me what I want for me?” When I look back on my life, I can honestly say that almost all my ‘failed’ relationships faltered because I couldn’t answer ‘yes’ to this question.
It was either that I wouldn’t allow someone else this freedom or it wasn’t wanted for me. It’s not easy to admit – that I tried to stifle someone else’s desires. But I have to look at that if I also pay attention to the countless ways I have experienced that in my life. Still to this day, others bestow their impressions of how I should live my life. However I no longer place value on advice that contradicts my deepest and true desires.
Our closest relationships often cross this boundary. We tend to take authority over others’ rights and freedoms, as if the closer we are the more permission we’re granted to allow our self-critical behavior to play out with those closest to us. We see this with parents and children but we also see this in intimate partnerships. Historically It has been one of my darkest personality traits, trying to control and manipulate my partner so that I can feel or look good. I must attend to myself and pay careful attention to those desires as they creep up. Having a child has been an illuminating experience, and I check in with myself about my motives for any advice or judgement I feel called to dole out to my daughter.
Even in this time of a pandemic, one person (in any kind of relationship) may be wanting something for themselves that isn’t the same as what a loved one wants for them. One partner can feel significantly less fear of interacting with the world than the other. We can easily dominate another’s peace by expecting them to behave the same as us.
I always remind myself, if I’m asking that question about someone else, that I also have to pose the inquiry to myself.
Of course, we often think we’re doing things in others’ best interest. But let me ask this, is it really in another’s best interest to comment on their clothing choices, relationships, dating life, diet, financial situation, style, career choices or parenting ? Especially if it doesn’t directly affect you or isn’t hurting someone else?
If a friend is harming themselves by being self-critical about how they look and if they are seeking guidance or support, making helpful and kind suggestions is supportive. Being critical in any way is not. It takes self-awareness and self-reflection to understand your motives behind your critiques.
If your behavior and words are motivated by thinking you know what’s best for someone else, check yourself before you wreck yourself (and your relationships). A willingness to confess and apologize for any missteps is radical kindness and growth for most of us.
We can’t expect everyone in our lives to allow all parts of us to have free run. I have many people in my life that only allow certain parts of me to be present, whether they tell me straight up that my experience is invalid, or they act dismissively to the parts that fatigue them. I understand I also must give grace to others as I manage my expectations about how much I allow them to impact how I feel.
Whenever we open our mouths and speak words that initiate from personal judgement, we’re not being supportive or kind, we’re being controlling and judgmental. We must truly listen to each other and allow others’ truths – especially the ones that make you uncomfortable – to exist.
Supporting people in your life means you support their dreams, vision, love, faults, pain and ugliness AND you allow for ALL of them to exist. You’re not trying to mine for the parts you prefer. You can ask this for yourself, and it’s courageous to ask for what you want, although for some this can be agonizingly painful. It can be just as painful to witness our own actions and see our own unattended judgement, possibly making peace with others for the way you’ve hurt them. If people you love are muting parts of you, remind them how it makes you feel and clearly present how you expect to be treated. If they aren’t able to understand or accept those parts, then you have to decide how you want to continue with the relationship.
The question is, do they want for you what you want for you? And, do I want for them what they want for themselves?
With love
Noelle