You know what question drives me crazy? When someone asks my daughter if she has a crush or a boyfriend. Or when people comment, to her, on her body, as if she has a say in how her body looks. This is the kind of inappropriate question adults ask kids, specifically girls, but boys get it as well.
If someone I didn’t know or barely knew came up to me and asked me about my dating life, I would find that intrusive and bad form. Why would I share intimate and personal details with someone I don’t know? Yet we’re expected to answer these kinds of question(s) if we don’t want to be considered rude or cheeky. But why is teaching kids to talk about deeply private things considered normal socializing?
Why do we want our kids to be happy all the time? Why do we get upset when they’re upset? Why don’t we allow them to have meltdowns? Do we expect them to be perfect beings with no emotions, no desires, and no opinions?
We compliment kids who are ‘well-behaved,’ who don’t disturb the peace, who listen to what we say, who abide by our social rules. We expect perfection from our little ones.
When my daughter is struggling with something, I’m not going to showcase it for my friends as a kind of ‘show-and-tell.’ I’m not going to ask her to share intimate details about her life with people she doesn’t know because that’s not creating safety for her or for our relationship.
So many times in my childhood I remember being uncomfortable with the conversation happening to me and not knowing how to get away from it. I’d end up blushing and having another adult point out my embarrassment. How humiliating.
Yet we do this to kids ALL THE TIME. And what we’re actually doing is deflecting our own discomfort outwards, but the consequence is that we’re harming our connection with them.
We showcase their mistakes, we announce they’re failings, we tease and toy. We have to stop making fun of our kids to seem cool, stop deflecting our own discomfort outwards, and cease that worn out model of connection. In reality, it doesn’t create connection because it’s hurtful and unkind.
For example: Your kid has a meltdown in the morning because he/she is feeling overwhelmed with a situation at school (one you might not even realize is happening) and refuses to get ready. Frustrated that you’ll be late for work, you may then get upset with your kid (which is normal) and come home at the end of the day feeling put-off by their behaviour.
You’re sending the message that you’re unhappy but perhaps they need to be allowed to make mistakes and know that they will be forgiven and loved unconditionally. So they wonder, does that mean the love is conditional, based on them performing in ways that make you comfortable and happy?
When a child is acting out and our response is to be disappointed in them or shame them by belittling them in front of others we’re missing an opportunity to create space and help them. As a result, not only will your child/kids not trust the adults in their lives but also they won’t be able to trust their own feelings.
How are we going to create emotionally stable children when we have arguments with our partners and then hold it over them for days, weeks or years. Letting go and allowing room for forgiveness is part of loving someone.
We’re so tuned into those around us, especially those we love. We will sacrifice what is happening within us in order to make sure we’re safe relationally – that our needs won’t come in the way of the relationship.
Think about what is happening for a child when she/he pulls away and does not want to engage. Allowing them to feel and protect themselves isn’t a bad thing, it teaches them how to listen to their own guidance system.
I’m using children as an example, but in our lives we do this with both children and adults. We’re constantly in the dance of creating connection or disconnection. This includes the way we treat ourselves and the way we treat others, sometimes as simple as thinking are we creating an ally-ship or divisiveness, to self or others.
We can’t force our kids into loving themselves, nor can we be mean to them and expect them to feel good about themselves. We have to love them into loving themselves, we have to learn to say no in loving ways. Every day we teach them how to love themselves by the way we treat ourselves and the way we respond to them.
Letting go and allowing room for forgiveness is part of loving someone.
If we want people to be more accepting of us, we have to be conscious of our expectations of others. Loving someone requires patience, acceptance, clarity, honesty, and ownership of our mistakes.
with love, Noelle