I had been sure I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing in life, including the type of work and where I was living. During this period of rest and reset on the planet, so many people are checking in with what they want and making small to drastic changes.
What initiates change? Some of us feel the pressure to want the things we don’t actually want. This can be dramatically different from person to person. Living in a small mountain town like Revelstoke, I’ve had this discussion many times about athleticism. Our community is known for being ‘hard core’. When I moved here, many years ago, Revelstoke was a mostly unknown community – and athletic people chose to live here for the quiet ‘hard core’ sleepy town way of life (aka before social media). It was an unknown community globally. Since the ski hill was developed, Revy has become in vogue on the mountain town map.
The dialogue that I’ve had with many locals is that they’re struggling to be seen as athletic and hard core. Many LOVE playing in the mountains, yet have other passions and things they want to focus on. The mainstream dialogue here is that if you’re not doing everything in your power to play outside all day long and having epic adventures (and posting on social) – well, you’re lame. My discussions with people often end with: “You don’t have to be a chronic adventurer to be cool. You get to be you. You can focus on your family, your friendships, and even work, as contrarian as that may sound to locals.” Permission to be ourselves eases our nervous system and releases our desire to keep up with ‘Joneses’.
This wisdom can be applied to any part of our lives. In what ways are you choosing things (work, recreation, friends, etc) with the intention of being liked, respected, and seen as a success (conscious or unconsciously) – and in which way(s) is it not filling your tank? We can spend years, decades or a lifetime chasing things that we don’t actually want.
Unconscious belief systems govern our lives until we reckon with the idea they might not be fulfilling us. There are people who’ve worked their whole lives to create businesses, careers, and lifestyles but are feeling an urge to change even though it might create conflict in their social circles, families, and careers.
I guess the most important part of figuring out what serves any of us, is figuring out why we’re motivated to do what we’re doing. If you have a sense you’re missing out (FOMO) or you worry about how others will perceive you, whether it’s about fitting in or feeling like a failure, you should question yourself. Any decision that’s motivated from that place will always lead to making decisions that don’t feel good. The side affects of that can be fatigue, depression, emotional muting, disconnection, loneliness, or a sense of frustration or confusion. Beyond these side affects we may implement measures of distraction, keeping ourselves busy, distracting with drama, or numbing with drugs, social media, or alcohol.
Looking at our lives requires bravery. It can be hard to admit that something isn’t working anymore, especially if to others it seems like a blessing. Allowing time to unpack your feelings, instead of stuffing truth deep down so as to adhere to social pressures, is key. Sometimes good, loving people, who’ve built a beautiful family together realize that it’s time for a change, without making either party wrong in the process. The same can happen for you, you can create change without making someone or something wrong.
So how does one change without blowing up your whole life? I’m not sure I have the answer for that. Yet in my experience, the blow up has always come because I pushed past a deep knowing that it was time for change. I bulldozed over that feeling and kept at it because I felt like I did not have permission to live for myself, I felt like I would let down other people or even my own self created image of how my life was supposed to look like. In my life, I’ve learned that if I blow past my body’s subtle way of indicating it’s unhappy in order to follow through on something I don’t want; things subtly or more dramatically fall apart. If I check in with my feelings and listen to my body I will be able to make changes without the melodrama.
Learning to listen to my truth has created the chance to have more comfort and enjoyment in my own life instead of being in a constant state of contraction. How are you listening to yourself? Or is there anyway in which you’re not listening to yourself?
With love
Noelle