I’ve witnessed friends and family members in my life get more settled in their beliefs over the years, becoming less willing to see new perspectives and points of view. I’ve watched as they have chosen to feed or hold on to anger rather than forgive and let go. I’ve seen stories stay with people not only for years but for decades, and I have seen how certain beliefs have hardened them and made it more difficult to break through to the softer side of reason. The more time that passes in these aggressive, defensive, self-protective and sometimes delusional energies, the harder it becomes to let go of the pain from which they are sourced.
I’ve seen this pain in the faces of the hardened, the face, jaw and eyes mirroring the rigidity of their internal world of thoughts and beliefs . Not being able to let go and move forward creates a physical demeanor that is visible in the body, that creates restriction in the amount of joy we are able to feel in our lives. You’ve seen it in others: the inability to release deep pain creates a hardened exterior, like a house with thick walls, and we can’t just take an emotional jack hammer of love to break it down. It is up to the holder of the pain to choose to release.
Are you hardening?
Allowing pain to dictate a deep need to control and hold onto worn out beliefs only causes pain for ourselves, not for those that have triggered it in us.
The hardening comes from relationships with other people and the way we choose carry those relationships in our own emotional bodies. When our trust is broken, when we believe we should have “known better,” when we internalize the hurt that comes from not being able to protect ourselves from the pain of human experience: all of these create a kind of scar tissue in us if we are not able to move through the consequent pain with mindfulness and healthy tools.
Please stop making yourself suffer for the generous teachings that hurt, pain and suffering bring to your life. When you are hurt, learn to lean into that hurt and be curious about its meaning. This is not to suggest that you should live in some unrealistic state of blind positivity, accepting that pain happens to everyone and that you should see the good in all of it. No! Feel the frustration, the anger and the hurt that come with your lessons. Own those emotions and encourage them to flow in the river of your experience. Then, when it’s time, choose to navigate off the river so that you can digest and choose not to move from that hurt for the rest of your days.
What if you looked at those who brought pain to your life as teachers, as creators of opportunity to soften you into a kinder self-expression? What if you used the pain to bring an opening into your eyes and face? What if we could transform our experiences as educations for our highest learning? What if we could shift from self-harming intolerance to majestic and radiant self-exploration? What would your life be like if you could soften and stop being so certain about all of the outcomes and all that you know? You might feel better, be kinder to yourself. You might set an example for everyone looking into your eyes for the softness that gives them permission to gentle their own gaze.
I see the softness in your eyes. Can you?
with a humble heart
Noelle