When we stop blaming others for our reality we have developed a deeper practice of self awareness, not better or worse than anyone else – simply aware enough to catch yourself in the act of wanting to make someone else wrong.
Dr. Brené Brown’s research and work is very important in our world, right now and for the future. I want to bring light to some of the things she speaks of and help spread her teachings because I feel privileged to be present on this planet at the same time she is here doing her work.
In her book, Braving The Wilderness, Brown talks about how it’s hard to hate people up close, and suggests we move in. Get close and see yourself in them. This action results in a profound inner challenge. We make people the enemy from afar. We decide we are somehow different from them. We imagine that we are better, that we would make better decisions if we were in their shoes. Think about how many times you have had thoughts like that. If you are a parent, you know that you thought you would do it differently from others, that somehow you would have more insight. This is only until you become a parent and realize that you are in way over your head and have to figure it all out along the way, just like everyone else. That is, unless you still believe you know the answers and feel called to tell others how to parent (there are a number of folks out there in that camp, I include myself in that at times). My point is, we don’t know what it’s like for someone else. We don’t know their sufferings or traumas. I like to remind myself that everyone is doing the best they can, even when I think I’m doing ‘better’.
Brown also teaches us that we can be present with people without sacrificing who we are, or at the cost of our freedom, authenticity and power. Wow! Imagine being present without stepping into the us vs. them mentality. Imagine knowing that you do not need to make yourself bigger than someone else to be in your power. The power comes from within, and not from dominating someone else. She reminds us that we will “do anything to consume facts that support our point of view”. We will find anything to make ourselves right. We will look at facts and change the meaning of them to support how badly we want to be right. We will endorse our beliefs by finding more and more proof that what we are believing is, in fact, truth.
When we’re seeing ourselves as separate from others, when we believe that because their opinions are different from ours it makes them wrong. We forget that we all want to be loved, we all want to be seen, we have all endured pain (some more than others) and we are all doing our best. Lean in, have a look deeper into the eyes of those you’ve made into villains, and see if you can look at them from your heart instead of your mind.
Ask yourself, are you responding from your highest self, and not from the ego that wants to be correct and win? Are you responding from a space within you that can allow for different points of view while still maintaining your own? Can you see that in allowing for other perspectives you can still have your freedom, because your freedom comes from within? Nelson Mandela kept his power during close to three decades in prison because he understood that his happiness and power existed within him, and no one could take that from him. Think about that. He found the capacity to be authentic and remain in his power after almost thirty years in prison. Often we will believe that someone else can take away our power. That in order to remain in control, we have to dominate with our views and opinions. I imagine none of us have had to spend three decades in prison by speaking our truths; truths aimed at creating a better world. Mandela did, his fight for a better world landed him in prison.
Our desire to spread hate and fear only lands us in the prison of our minds.
Can we stop hating people? Can we look for common ground? Can we empower and teach our children to find the good in others, not teach them to make other people wrong?
This is a hard practice. The ego wants desperately to be in control. Is this a practice you are willing to start looking at? I just believe that hate can never trump love. When we stop fighting for being right, we are blessed with insight, perspective and hopefully compassion.
Because we all need compassion.
with love
Noelle